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 Newsletter Excerpts 2007 
VOICES SILENCED!
Women who share their stories with us have all suffered
abortion-related grief: a depth of grief they were not prepared for and
which many still carry. But they go unheard.
Conventional wisdom has it that abortion is mostly trouble-free,
that it is really no big deal, an easy fix. Abortion is promoted as a
procedure without repercussions and attempts to discuss it have become
constrained. Emotional trauma after an abortion is treated with disdain
and often dismissed, and those who are troubled are made to feel
invisible, isolated and alienated.
The grief of women is documented in books such as “Giving Sorrow
Words” by Melinda Tankard-Reist (Duffy & Snellgrove 2000) and
“Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion” by Theresa Burke
(Acorn Books 2002) and is witnessed and shared with post-abortion
counsellors and pastors both here and overseas. It is not a new
phenomenon.
However, attitudes towards women, and even more so men, overwhelmed
by grief following abortion demonstrate a cruel indifference to their
pain. Their suffering is often discounted and considered to be a
figment of their imagination, and their feelings of guilt and remorse
merely a by-product of social or religious conditioning. They are
deemed to be oversensitive, psychologically unstable and victims of
ill-founded conditioning.
The politics surrounding abortion also help to drown out the voices
of those harmed by it. How free are women, or men, to share their
anguish when abortion is so socially accepted and extolled as “an act
of individual self-determination” “empowering” “a right for women” “ a
rite of passage for women” “a positive moral and social good” “a source
of transcendence and growth”? Those adversely affected, and those who
speak out are viewed as an embarrassment, and are accused of being
melodramatic and letting the side down.
Post-abortive women’s suffering is generally not attributed to the
nature of the procedure itself or the circumstances that surround them
pressuring them into a decision to terminate a pregnancy and end the
life of their unborn. Rather for those who are adversely affected it is
communicated to them that they are only upset because they choose to
get upset. For example, it is implied that if they chose to regard the
foetus as a bunch of cells and not a little human being with a beating
heart and a bond with their mother they would not have a problem. So
often they are encouraged to continue to rationalise their decision and
deny their true heart in the experience. Because the majority appear
unaffected, those who find themselves haunted, tortured or grieving
after their abortion experience, are told or given the message to get
over it, it was for the best and to carry on with life as if nothing
were amiss. Women whose lives are shattered by an abortion find their
experience is trivialised, even often by those in professional health
and caring roles. Grief for an aborted baby is forbidden grief; it
remains taboo.
In reality a woman never forgets a pregnancy, her baby and what
might have been - she has nothing to mark that there was a baby and now
there is no baby. When the baby is lost there are no memories or
visible reminders of the baby but there is often a “feeling of
emptiness and nothingness”, an uneasy and anxious void. She bears alone
the mantle of silent maternal suffering. She needs to know hope and to
know she is not alone in her grief. She needs to face what happened
through the abortion, to return to herself and to restore her
relationship with her aborted little one. She needs to find peace.
- By Carolina Gnad
GRANDMOTHERS
Reading a recent article on
Grandmothers in “Broken Branches” by Anne Lastman, Victims of Abortion,
Australia, prompted me to think and reflect more deeply around
grandmothers and abortion.
Mother-daughter relationships are really important. A woman’s self
identity has to some extent been born of that relationship and it
remains a significant relationship in a woman’s life no matter what her
age or situation. The mother-daughter relationship can impact greatly
the outcome of a decision. Scenarios are many and varied. A mother may
- actively / forcefully co-coerce her daughter to abort
- encourage her to abort for “good reasons”
- discourage her or actively try to dissuade her because of the her own beliefs or in the “best interests” of the daughter
- be ambivalent and sit on the fence not offering a view or support one way or the other
- leave the decision to her daughter not wanting to interfere or influence her
- not know her daughter is pregnant and only find out later.
A daughter’s pregnancy decision can affect or fracture that
relationship depending on the situation, history, personalities, dreams
and values of the people involved. Whilst it is easy to think a woman
can make a pregnancy decision independently and autonomously I wonder
if that is the case. In recognising the context of abortion and
understanding the wider influences there is no getting away from the
overt and subtle reality of messages and pressures that influence her
decision. A mother, by very nature of being mother is an influence,
whether an active influence or passive influence. The existence and
nature of that unique relationship makes it so.
The mother’s involvement or lack of involvement can also impact how the
daughter copes with her decision at the time and afterwards.
For example:
If a mother encourages or supports the daughter with an abortion, the
daughter may interpret that as love and support, or may do so at the
time but later may feel resentment and anger if her own view of things
and feelings about what happened has changed, as can happen as she
grows or becomes a mother herself.
If a mother forces her daughter towards an abortion then the daughter
may remember the role her mother played in orchestrating the death of
her baby - and there can arise a deep wound and ache, which if
unaddressed can disturb her and the relationship. It can also bring
into question for her the role and rights of motherhood in and for
herself and lead to confusion and fear, or alternatively judgement and
determination to be and do things differently.
If a mother has offered all manner of help and support to her daughter
to enable her to keep her baby and afford her the gift of being able to
be a grandmother to the child, but the daughter chooses to have an
abortion, how might the grandmother feel? To have tasted the idea of
“grandmotherhood” and then to be denied it.
For some grandmothers there may be no apparent repercussions. But for
some issues may surface later around her part in the abortion of a
grandchild or her inability to intervene. If her daughter also later
becomes distressed or issues arise for her relating to the abortion,
for her as the mother then that can be upsetting, triggering guilt,
hurt, self-blame, resentment, anger, and more grief. As a grandmother
she may also mourn or come to mourn the loss of her grandchild. When
that happens what can she do about it, where does she go, who can she
talk to?
Grandmothers’ stories need to be heard too. Their pain is around issues
of loss and changed relationships with both daughter and grandchild.
When sharing around the abortion experience they may discover hidden
hurts and issues that were important then and may be or may be
different now.
After the initial grief I went through a stage of feeling a lot of
guilt about not having prevented the abortion. I felt I’d let an
innocent one, my grandchild, die and my daughter do something which has
the potential to become extremely destructive to herself. I felt I’d
failed the both of them in the extreme. For a while I had feelings of
hating myself. I felt that although there was no certainty that if I’d
tried harder things would have ended differently. I should have tried
harder and then at least been able to look back knowing I had done my
best. Now I realise I cannot undo what has been done, and can only hope
some good will come from this. (Sarah - “Broken Branches” Issue 61
Dec/Jan 2008)
N.B. Although this article talks about grandmothers I want to also
affirm grandfathers in their roles and experiences. There is no
discounting or minimising the impact of abortion on fathers in relation
to their daughters and grandfathers to their grandchildren.
- By Carolina Gnad
Abortion and the Christian
Abortion is not selective - those from any walk of life and
culture, rich or poor, Christian or other religious faith may opt for
abortion. What can it mean for a person with a Christian belief ?
Christian belief brings a perspective to abortion and the abortion
experience for those who hold the beliefs that may differ from that of
those who do not adhere to such beliefs or come from alternative
religious or other belief systems. What are some specific beliefs and
influences that impact the post-abortive woman who is Christian? It is
worth noting that for some women beliefs at the time of the
pregnancy-abortion decision and the abortion may later alter, for
example, where someone reaffirms their Christian beliefs or converts to
Christianity years afterwards. The new perspectives can shift and
initiate or impact different responses now to what they were then, to
material around the abortion experience that may surface.
Scripture expresses how life comes from God, and is sacred and
special from its smallest beginnings “It is you who created my inmost
self and put me together in my mother’s womb” (.Ps 139:13) and offers
the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” (Ex 20:13, Rm 13:9).
What happens then for a woman who holds such beliefs and opts for
abortion as the solution to the problem of an unplanned or unwanted
pregnancy? What conflicts and turmoil of mind, and heart or soul
naturally ensues? What needs to happen to allow her to go ahead with
something that is in conflict with her real heart and core beliefs? How
does a person reconcile the assent to and action of abortion with a
personal moral code that is in opposition to the underlying philosophy
or current social attitudes around abortion?
Sometimes women speak of that feeling of having “no other choice”.
If in crisis, she may not be thinking clearly, or necessarily able to
sift through and work through all the issues and feelings, to come to
an informed and considered decision and to make a choice that is
consistent with their highest ideals and best aspirations. She may be
subtly or overtly co-erced in a way that she may feel pressured,
confused and powerless, and so allows herself to be swept along by what
appears ‘reasonable’ or what most favours her situation and that of
significant others at that time. The need is generally to resolve
things as quickly and effectively as possible and get things “back to
normal”. Often deeper values or beliefs are overshadowed by the
immediate need to “sort the problem”.
When the focus is on the pregnancy as the “problem” and the aim is
to find as quick and effective a solution that takes care of the
problem, then personal religious beliefs or moral code can become
suppressed or ignored. Key considerations such as the life of the baby,
the possible risks or complications, and psycho-spiritual impacts, the
long term consequences within her and in her life may receive little
attention in the life-changing pregnancy-abortion decision.
Rationalisation works to sort things out by a logical process, weighing
up pros and cons with regards to practicalities and what seems like a
good solution (i.e. that which will restore stability), without
necessarily delving into the deeper issues and concerns that may later
become important.
The relationship with the partner or spouse may be considered most
important, whereas the mother-child bond and relationship may be
unacknowledged or unsupported. This is often facilitated by distancing
terminology that talks of the ‘procedure’ and ‘products of conception’
or ‘blob of tissue’. Such distancing techniques supports the maternal
disconnection between head and heart-soul through the decision-making
process – disconnection with self, disconnection with the life growing
inside. Sometimes it is in her healing journey or in the course of her
life, that a reconnection between head and heart-soul occurs, and then
the abortion is seen in a very different light – grief surfaces, and
the deeper issues and conflicts then need to be faced and worked
through. This is often something she cannot do alone . Sadly for many
Christians with a past abortion they feel unable to find the
understanding and support they need in their churches for fear of
condemnation, whether that is so or misperceived by them to be so. They
often feel unworthy to be in or go to church and alienate themselves.
When the reality of what occurred in the abortion and what it has
meant surfaces there is often an unanticipated reaction A woman may
then either choose to numb out the unpleasant feelings that accompany
the realisations that occur, or utilise denial or some means of
escaping confronting the painful truth. For her guilt and shame may be
such that she feels a deep despair - a nighttime of the soul some might
say - where she feels alienated from her God, empty inside, fearful,
alone with her pain and with an anguish that can seem unbearable. Her
fear of judgement and punishment from people, even Christian friends
but also especially from God, may be huge. She may be tormented by her
self-judgement and condemnation. She may say things like “I killed my
baby” “I feel like a murderer” “I can never forgive myself.” “I should
be punished” “I don’t deserve anything good” “I don’t want to live.”
The interesting thing is that she may use her Christian beliefs to
judge herself and punish herself, but fail, until helped, to allow her
faith to draw her into the deep healing she desires and is available to
her. God is a God of compassion and mercy, and God’s grace and love can
restore a person’s mind, heart and soul in ways that may not be fully
understood by her. To allow herself to receive God’s unconditional
love, and forgiveness, will heal her from the inside out – from the
trauma and grief, guilt and shame. It will change her life - not back
to ‘normal’, whatever normal was supposed to be, but she will find new
hope and discover a new life and fullness of life. This is the promise
of Scripture and for those who are Christian it is a powerful and
wonderful promise. How do I know this? Because I have seen both
Christian and non-Christian open up to God’s grace and find peace.
- By Carolina Gnad
Operation Outcry - Courageous Women Speak Out
"The nightmares continued, the depression became deeper.
I found myself detached from everyone and everything.
I prayed for another chance, another baby."
Theresa and myself from P.A.T.H.S., joined a small group of other
interested persons at the Spreydon Baptist Church in Christchurch on
the night of ‘Christmas in the Park’, to meet Karen Bodle from
Pennsylvania and Kay Painter from Idaho. These two women shared their
personal abortion stories and talked about Operation Outcry and its
work in the USA. Karen and Kay had been traveling around Australia and
New Zealand and meeting with groups of people to raise awareness of the
tragedy of abortion. “I do not want any woman to go through the intense
pain and suffering that I experienced. I must speak out and tell my
story to encourage other women suffering in silence to seek emotional
healing and forgiveness” said Karen, who is the International Director
for Operation Outcry, a movement of women hurt by abortion who are
speaking out about the pain and consequences they have endured. She
also serves as the Pensylvania State Leader. Her heart’s cry is to see
abortion become a socially unacceptable choice in the United States and
around the world.
Regardless of one’s point of view around the politics of abortion,
there is something moving and disturbing in listening and hearing the
true reality of women’s experiences around, through and following
abortion. The more stories I hear from women around the world, the more
I have come to appreciate that such experiences are not isolated
incidences. The growing sense is that there are inescapable
consequences of abortion as a pregnancy choice, yet many women are
destined to suffer in silence in a society that does not acknowledge,
give voice to, understand or adequately support those hurting or harmed
by abortion.
Many women continue with their lives unaware of how deeply abortion
has changed them and impacted their lives until or unless at some point
the grief and hurt surfaces and they revisit their experience and what
it has meant. Then there is often additional hurt and anger, possibly a
sense of injustice and betrayal... and other powerful emotional
responses to deal with, as well as needing to journey through the grief
which had been buried for sometimes a significant time.
“Lucky for you, nowadays you have a choice!” Fateful words that
changed Kay Painter’s life irrevocably. The words came from a nurse
standing as an observer in the examination room... I had just
discovered I was pregnant at age 39. My two girls were almost grown,
and I had a new growing business that demanded my time and offered
recognition and prestige. What would I do with a baby? So I latched
onto her words and after discussing it (convincing) my husband made the
appointment. I bought the “easy” way out. My counselling was “Does your
husband know?” and “Have you signed the release. Step into a gown:
you’ll find it down the hall.”
I am thankful I have no memory of the abortion, but from the instant
I heard my baby’s helpless body hit the garbage can I KNEW! I had just
killed my own flesh and blood, an innocent life. I was panic-stricken,
the nurse told me to “calm down - in a few days all will be back to
normal.”
No-one forewarned me of the possible repercussions of an abortion. It
was a simple procedure of removing “tissue” - so why the pain, the
sudden emptiness? I awoke night after night to the sound of screams -
they were mine! ... I wanted to speak with my pastor but what would he
think of me? Here I was sitting weekly in the choir; and yet I had
killed my baby. I considered talking to my best friend, but she was
Christian. Would she be repelled and turn away? And to those I knew who
weren’t Christian, they’d most likely tell me to get over it! It’s done
all the time. It seemed there was not a soul to share with - I held it
all in.
The nightmares continued, the depression became deeper. I found
myself detached from everyone and everything. I prayed for another
chance, another baby. Within the next year God gave us a beautiful
healthy baby boy. I was sure the guilt was behind me.... The screams
stopped but the nightmare of my “choice” was far from over. I would
leave the room when abortion was discussed, terrified that people would
see it on my face. I found the church community was too ‘goody-goody’
for me so I quit. Church was for people who were good.
The abortion followed me through the next 16 years bringing
isolation, bad choices, a horribly ugly divorce, unspeakable shame,
terrible loneliness and a depression so deep that I denied its
existence.
Finally when my replacement baby was 16, God in his mercy, brought
me to my knees. As my guilt began to surface while at work one day, I
pleaded sick and went home. There were no words to express the deep
dark hole I found myself in, no phrase to describe the depth of my
despair. God placed it on my heart to drive directly to my doctor’s
office, where I was rushed into a private exam room. There I took my
first step of healing by “telling”. He set me up with a high dosage of
Prozac and a Christian counsellor who began seeing me immediately and
almost daily for the next three and a half months.
It took every ounce of strength I could muster to tell my ugly
secret to my new pastor. Daily, I revisited the pain of my “lucky
choice” and the “quick fix” I had chosen years before. It was during
this time that I discovered God’s overwhelming grace and mercy to even
me... Mountains of guilt were removed and tons of shame taken away. I
was no longer alone. It was then I promised to help other women in
their struggle and that I would be silent no more.
Kay is now serving as the Operation Outcry liaison to Australia and
New Zealand. In the USA they have collected over 2000 signed affidavits
from women about the impacts and consequences of their abortions. Part
of the purpose and drive there is to create enough concern to outlaw
the Partial Birth Abortion which is currently available in many states.
Like drops in a bucket, it could be hoped that these stories, and
others like them, will help create a tidal wave in the wake of abortion
that people and our society as a whole cannot ignore, so that
abortion’s grief is no longer disenfranchised and its aftermath is no
longer hidden. And with this may come better informed consent to avert
such tragedy, suffering and adversity.
- By Carolina Gnad
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