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 Newsletter Excerpts 2012 
Choice of Words
If
it’s not a baby then you are not pregnant is a phrase that has been
coined in pro-life circles,
and it is one that raises some interesting questions about the language
we use
around pregnancy and abortion or termination.
The royal couple William and Kathryn are expecting their first baby.
Being a much wanted child means all efforts are made to support the
pregnancy and ensure the wellbeing of the mother. No-one has trouble
saying that they are having a baby, and even the media support the
concept.
Women who experience pregnancy-baby losses such as miscarriage or
stillbirth, also naturally speak about losing their babies. For many
there is a profound attachment from a very early stage to their
developing offspring and so when they experience the loss of their
little one, they grieve. Grief is personal and unique and some will
grieve more than others for a whole host of reasons. In any event not
just the pregnancy but the baby albeit small or unborn, was significant
in some way and that makes the sense of loss real.
The arguments surrounding abortion have gone from whether life begins
at conception, which is now scientifically proven to be so, to when
does that life become a “person” in terms of a human being with rights.
Once we think and speak in these terms the personal experience and
relationship of pregnancy becomes lost in a sea of words that somehow
tries to change the reality of what is there and what happens in
abortion or termination in human terms.
For eons it has been accepted that once pregnant you were expecting a
child, that you were growing a baby in your womb. Today depending on if
your baby is planned and wanted or not the language surrounding the
pregnancy can vary according to the situation.
Normally, if you plan and want your child then it is acceptable to talk
about “my baby”… if not then “my baby” is spoken about, particularly
within the health services, in terms of the pregnancy, products of
conception, conceptus, gestational sac, embryo, foetus, pregnancy
tissue and such like. These are all biological and medicalised terms
which distance the mother from the relational reality of the pregnancy.
Attitudes to what is present in the womb (the uterus), and its value in
terms of its size or whether it is wanted or not play a huge part in
framing up the experience of the pregnancy and can contribute greatly
to the outcome. The way pregnancy or termination of pregnancy is spoken
about and framed up can also alter adjustment and the effects after
termination, for some making it more positive but for others not.
For those who come to us for help after abortion and termination, the
way they frame up their experience afterwards often does not match how
they, and others, thought and spoke about it beforehand. How it seemed
then is different from how they view and feel about it now. It is
evident in the words used to describe the “then” experience and the
“now” experience.
In the healing work post abortion or termination, the woman naturally
is challenged. The head-heart disconnect that occurred at the time of
the decision-making may itself be broken, and /or the reasoning that
seemed sound at the time of the decision may no longer seem valid or
acceptable. This can throw her into crisis as feelings surface and she
is confronted with what has happened. This is this important to
understand for those working with women making pregnancy-termination
decisions or working in the termination area.
Attempts to ease distress by using medical or minimising language at
the time people are considering abortion or termination, whilst helpful
in supporting a woman through the termination process, can later become
for some the cause of significant hurt.
Choice of words (her own, others’ in the family or wider circle or
within the health services) play a part in influencing the expectant
mother’s thinking and decision making around pregnancy and termination.
If the reality of the pregnancy and termination spoken of with
disregard for the relational and experiential aspects at the time of
decision making then it can also serve to compound impacts and
adjustment afterwards.
- Carolina Gnad
Lawful Acceptance or Practical
Promotion
Defence
for abortion has become so strong in society that it unfortunately
disenfranchises
those
for whom the termination was not a positive experience.
Decision-making processes may have been undermined
and attempts to address their feelings and issues is often viewed as a
threat to the status quo.
The legal defence for abortion in New Zealand was the product of the
long hard fight won historically by part of the feminist movement, and
has meant that pregnancy termination has become a core health service.
The ordeals of the past are hardly remembered by the majority of people
in our communities. The effective promotion of pregnancy termination as
a simple procedure in early stages, or medically recommended procedure
for difficult pregnancies has seen it become more widely accepted and
normalised in society. It appears to have become a streamlined service,
but some report afterwards that when making their decision that they
felt caught up in the process with little time, and sometimes support,
to process what was happening, explore pressures and influences, and
work through deeper feelings and needs, or fully understand the
implications of their choice. Counselling is available but for many
they are not in a space to have it and are not always encouraged to
fully explore their options. Attitudes and actions of staff through the
process affects decision-making and outcomes.
Encountering those who are strongly pro-abortion and those strongly
pro-life in the course of my work, shows me that the longstanding
battle still rages strong. Caught in the middle are health
professionals trying to work with care and moderation, women and
families confronted with huge dilemmas and babies (human embryos and
foetuses) whose outcome is to be decided. It is stressful, confusing,
conflicting, and at times crushing for those involved.
I have met good people on both sides, well intentioned, sincere and
caring individuals, all grappling with the issues and attempting to do
what they believe is right and best. Still there is no real meeting of
the ways. Our seminars are attempts to try to bridge the gap and open
up dialogue amongst people in the community and in health and welfare
circles and create safe places to explore the experiences of those who
work in and those who avail themselves of abortion or termination
services, to get beyond the differences and better address issues of
mutual concern.
I hear from people in the abortion and termination services seeking to
improve their processes, wanting to ensure people are making more
informed decisions around termination and who do not simply accept or
promote abortion or termination as “the answer” to an unplanned or
unwanted pregnancy. I have met women for whom medical reasoning for
termination is not enough or not the whole answer, and who are
pro-choice and interested in looking at other options as well. When we
talk of choice we are meaning a decision that is made with free will,
full information and an absence of pressure or coercion. And a decision
made from a place of NOT
The resounding message from our post abortion clients, is that there is
a need to enable more real choice and to do that we need to be slowing
decision-making processes down and encouraging people to take time to
reflect on relevant information and fully explore options in a more
therapeutic way, taking into account deeper realities and both the
potential short and long term implications. The pressures for many
clients were huge and not always fully addressed. And although one of
the pressures is time, there still needs to be a way to slow things
down and not assume anything. One counsellor at a recent seminar said,
that with her pregnant clients in coming to a decision, she would walk
them through the options quite literally. They would literally walk
through what each path could mean over time, not just in practical
terms but also in relation to her self, her relationships, her values,
her culture, dreams and plans. Counselling styles that are problem
solving by nature may support the reasoning for or against abortion or
termination with a client but not fully explore practical, emotional,
relational and moral conflicts or resolve the client’s ambivalence. It
may make it easier to go ahead with the abortion or termination, and
they may feel good about the decision at the time, but for some it may
be a disservice. More may have needed to be done around working with
the ambivalence and through the various conflicts. Numbers of women who
come to us afterwards and talk about their ambivalence at the time
indicate that the issue of ambivalence was huge, not always recognised
and not well worked through, sometimes because of lack of time and
resources and sometimes because staff view abortion as a good thing.
If one is pro-abortion in one’s views one might be at risk of merely
finding ways to support the person to have the abortion by reframing or
making it easy for her to proceed. If one is extremely pro-life one
might push for all the good reasons to continue that pregnancy and
focus just on the negative aspects of terminating. How can one comply
with legal requirements and support the client’s process to come to a
fully informed decision? Are we open and as supportive of other
options, giving them as much validity and weight in the process as the
abortion or termination option? How staff think and act around the
decision-making processes can affect the way clients understand or
anticipate their post abortion or termination reactions, which may or
may not eventuate.
A couple of questions to leave you with. “Is or was the pregnant person
you know or are working with making an abortion decision or pregnancy
choice? Are we engaging is a process around deciding to terminate or
not, or making a pregnancy choice by exploring every option
thoroughly.” “In our society and within abortion or termination
services are we supporting lawful acceptance or practical promotion of
abortion or termination? And how does this alter the way women engage
in their decision-making and the flow on effect in post abortion or
termination experiences?”
It would be interesting to create forums to discuss such questions.
There would need to be an inordinate amount of good will, and would
only be possible where people are not in fixed positions set to defend
their position, but are interested in engaging and exploring
differences openly and looking at different perspectives. This should
be possible if we all have the interests and welfare of women and
families and children at heart.
- Carolina Gnad
Helping Those Affected By Abortion
There is a real challenge for health professionals, and people in the
community, to respond appropriately to people who may be experiencing
difficulties following an abortion or termination of pregnancy,
regardless of stage or circumstances. More so because the person
affected may not be consciously aware of the changes in themselves from
the experience. Regardless, our making assumptions, sharing our beliefs
or wielding our truth, making judgments or giving advice.... can be met
with a hurt or defensive reaction. The post abortive parent or someone
who has made a difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy is
particularly sensitive to the reactions of others around them.
No-one knows what they might do in the same situation for we cannot
know for certain, until faced with such a dilemma. And no-one knows how
they might react afterwards unless or until they have been there.
There is a need to challenge the taboo talking about abortion if we are
to help people discover what the event may have meant for those
involved. Many women, and men, with an abortion or termination
experience, build protective walls around their hearts, to enable them
to function and move beyond their experiences. It can be particularly
difficult when they are confronted by people who either judge or are
dismissive, and who fail to understand the complexity of things they
faced and the depth of pain they may now carry.
Abortion or pregnancy termination has become a fact of life whether we
like it or not. For those who avail themselves of the medical or
surgical procedure that procures the termination of the pregnancy and
the destruction of the developing human life that is their offspring,
reactions are often mixed and unanticipated, confusing and hard to deal
with. Initial relief may give way to sadness, loss of vitality,
problems in relationship, feelings of regret or issues with guilt,
spiritual alienation, depression, anxiety and a host of other possible
symptoms of dis-ease because the perceived losses and felt trauma,
attendant conflicts and the individual’s sense of responsibility.
So, when talking with someone you meet or know who has had an abortion
or pregnancy termination be mindful or what you say and how you say it.
Don’t shut them off by changing the subject. Don’t condemn them for
their choice. Don’t deny that they lost a child. Don’t encourage them
to self blame or blaming others - nor push them to forgive others
before they are ready. (There is usually a need to deal with hurts and
anger first.) Don’t tell them they did the right thing or the best
thing at the time. (For some they may believe this, but for others who
think it, their hearts say otherwise and this causes turmoil and
conflict.) Don’t suggest having another child someday to make up for
the one that was lost. (Future children may be a blessing, but can
never replace the one that died in the abortion or termination.) Don’t
be afraid to encourage them to talk to specialty post abortion
counsellors or go to a support group, (and to take a support person
with them initially if that helps).
Do listen patiently as they try to sort out their feelings. Expect and
allow them to bring up the subject again and again and listen for clues
to their deeper feelings. Reassure them their feelings are normal for
the experience that is abortion or termination. Allow them to get in
touch with their hurt or anger, and help them see things more
objectively. Do allow them to regret their decision, if that is what
they are saying.
When people journey through their grief and can acknowledge their
feelings and reality, they can get about the business of life again.
For some there are spiritual longings and aspects that need to be
addressed. Help them find appropriate sources of help.
- Carolina Gnad
Post Abortion Grief: Does it
affect you?
- Do you find yourself struggling to turn off feelings
connected to your abortion, perhaps telling yourself over and over
again to forget about it, and just get on with your life?
- Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines and
television programs that deal with the subject of babies, pregnant
women or abortion?
- Do you avoid stores or the sections in stores that have
infant/maternity related items?
- Are you affected by physical reminders of your abortion
(babies, pregnant women, etc.)? Are you uncomfortable around pregnant
women or children?
- Did or would you lie about having an abortion, or the
number of abortions you've had, to a Doctor, or to family or friends?
For example not telling or denying you've had an abortion, or saying it
was a 'miscarriage', or saying it was for 'medical reasons', when it
wasn't?
- Are you bothered by certain sounds, like vacuum cleaners,
or other machinery that makes loud noises?
- Are there certain times of the year you find yourself
depressed, sick or accident-prone, especially around the anniversary
date of the abortion or would-be birth date?
- Are you resentful and unforgiving toward anyone because of
his or her involvement (or lack of involvement!) in your abortion -
boyfriend, husband, parents, other friends, or the medical personnel
who performed your abortion?
- Do you find yourself not using birth control now? Are you
putting yourself in a situation where you could find yourself faced
with another unwanted pregnancy? (You may be subconsciously leaving
yourself vulnerable, hoping to get pregnant again, to replace the
aborted child)
- Do you have trouble with emotional intimacy or
relationships since your abortion?
- Do you think about having a 'replacement baby', especially
with the same man, and think that all the guilt will go away if you get
pregnant again, and 'keep it' this time?
- Have you experienced periods of prolonged depression since
your abortion?
- Have you had any suicidal thoughts or attempts?
- Has any drug or alcohol use occurred or become more
frequent since the abortion?
- Do you have any occurrences of 'intrusion' (involuntarily
re-experiencing the abortion situation - seeing the clinic, the room,
the recovery room in flashbacks) or hallucinations (for example,
hearing a baby cry when there is not one around)?
- Are you able to talk freely about your abortion?
- If you have children now, do you smother them with your
love or overprotect them? Do you worry about them being hurt?
- If you have children now, do you have problems with feeling
distant from them, and 'unable to bond' with them?
- If you do not have children, do you fear that you will
never be able to have them?
- Have you found yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your
aborted child lately?
If you have a number of the above signs of post abortion grief you may benefit from talking with someone in P.A.T.H.S..
Those
who have come for counselling or joined the support group have found
relief in talking about it, and knowing they are normal and not alone.
Reaching out for help can feel hard and you may be worried about what may happen if you share your experience.
Know that what you share is held in confidence.
Clips from The Abortion
Providers’ Conference - Rotorua, March 2012
The theme of the conference
was “Looking to the future,” Abortion Care in Australasia.
The scene
was set by a number of presentations focusing on provision of ideal
abortion services.
The emphasis was on needing to
get rid of the stigma
around abortion so it becomes available to all women who need it.
Dr Gill Geer (former
Family Planning Association head in NZ and now Director General of
International Planned Parenthood Federation) stated that there were
380,000 deaths last year internationally that were pregnancy related
and 13% of were from unsafe/botched abortions, most in the undeveloped
world, including Africa and Latin America. Gill termed it death by
denial – denial of access to sexual and reproductive health and safe
abortions and stated that it is a human right not to die in pregnancy.
Gill talked of how public morality violates the human rights for women.
It is a public health responsibility, and good abortion services are
more cost effective than post-abortion care. She added that most
women’s regret, is not in having an abortion, but in ever being in the
position of needing an abortion, and most experience relief once it is
over.
Dr Alison Knowles (who
has a long time involvement in abortion services and established
Medical Termination of Pregnancy at the Auckland Medical Aid Centre)
spoke about Barriers to an Ideal Abortion Service in NZ. Alison talked
about and rated aspects of abortion service provision in NZ.
Availability was rated high as we have a publicly funded abortion
service, safety was excellent with 1 to 3% readmission for Dilation
& Evacuation and 2 to 6% Early Medical Abortion complications.
Legal framework received a 7/10 rating. That abortion is free to New
Zealanders was regarded as wonderful, however NZ abortion services fell
well short in being client centred with the institutionalised and
medicalised process. Waiting times at clinics (should offer a same day
service), patients treated as a number, use of main operating theatres
(unnecessary), lack of privacy, restricted contraception options, lack
of choice of method at all clinics (should provide both surgical and
medical at all facilities).
Christy Parker (Women’s
Health Action) spoke about consumer’s perspectives on an ideal abortion
service. In her abstract she stated: Given the enormous amount of
public and political attention paid to abortion in comparison with
other essential services, relatively very little is known about women’s
experiences of abortion care in NZ and what women want from abortion
services. Consumer feedback forms and satisfaction surveys offer some
insight into women’s experiences of the care that could be improved.
However evidence shows that patient feedback, particularly for
procedures that carry some stigma, is often influenced by low
expectations and/or consumer’ lack of knowledge and experience of
diverse choices (Redshaw 2008, van Teijlingen et al, 2003)
Thanks, largely in part to the women’s health consumer movement in NZ,
consumer representation and consultation is now accepted as vital for
informing health service delivery and the rhetoric of patient-centred
health care is alive and well in the public health system. However the
ongoing stigma related to abortion, reinforced through its status in
the law,
constrains consumer voice in abortion care. In the absence of consumer
voice, it is easy for doctors or providers to “think they know best”.
Christy highlighted how choice is important to keep a pregnancy or not,
and how the stigma around abortion constrains enthusiasm for women to
talk about their abortion experiences – they are silent consumers. Many
of the feedback forms and satisfaction forms suffer from gratitude bias
and the fear that negative feedback might undermine the service. For
most there is relief that the procedure is over and consumer
expectations are low. Often later conceptualisations are different
around how the service may be better. Most find the surgical
environment stressful. Abortion stigma is highly contextual and social
constructs of embryos or foetus, or pregnant women as mother to be.
Christy suggested the need for Consumer Reference Groups which can
provide longer term feedback, with an email or phone line for later
engagement. She also recommended that abortion education be part of the
sexual health components in curriculums.
Trinh Lien (post-graduate
student at the Department of Preventive and Social Medicine, University
of Otago) presented her research on Abortion Amongst Asian Women in NZ.
Trinh’s study consisted of two components: an epidemiological study of
abortion trends and patterns amongst Asian women in NZ by analysing the
abortion routine data during the period between 2002 and 2008 (both
published and unpublished) provided by Statistics NZ; and a
cross-sectional study of 188 self-identified Asian women who presented
for abortion at four selected abortion clinics in NZ. NB Asia includes
countries from Afghanistan in the west to Japan in the east, and China
in north to Indonesia in south (not include Middle East, Central Asia
or Russia.
Trinh found that
- abortions among Asian women accounted for 15% of the total
number for
that period range
- abortions among women in 20s accounted for more than half
of the
total among the Asian group
- between 1998 and 2003 there was a greater incidence amongst
married
or previously married Asian women
- women born in China (including Hong Kong) had far more
abortions than
all the women born in other top countries (Fiji, India, South Korea and
Japan)
- more than half the Asian women obtaining abortions who were
not born
in NZ arrived in NZ within 5 years between 2001 and 2005
Asian women also reported very low percentages of oral contraceptive
use across the years – fear of side effects and gaining weight were the
most common reason for non-use. Typically the Asian woman in the study
sample was in her 20s, married or cohabiting with a partner, had no
children and no previous abortion, was highly educated, and did not
belong to any religious background. About half the women presenting for
abortions were students, the majority tertiary students.
Main reasons for choosing abortion included: having a baby would
dramatically change the woman’s life e.g. interfere with education or
work or interfere with the responsibility of caring for other
dependents, unable to afford to have a child, single motherhood or
relationship problems, had completed childbearing or pressure from
parents. About three quarters of the sample group specified their
husband or partner helped them decide whether to get an abortion. Only
about one third of participants thought a woman should be able to
obtain an abortion if she wants it for any reason.
Dr Ruth Fitzgerald
(Medical Anthropologist, University of Otago) is involved in the
Marsden funded project “troubling choice”, involving studies of every
day ethical reasoning by New Zealanders who have had personal
experiences of needing to make choices about pregnancies following a
diagnosis of fetal genetic difference. Ruth presented around the
narrative positions of men as co-conceivers of the fetus, or as kin or
friends to women undergoing terminations. The men’s abortion
experiences were between 20 to 2 years ago. Their moral and political
positions were diverse some very pro-life and some feminists, but with
a majority holding unaffiliated political stance towards termination.
Their ages ranged from between early twenties to mid seventies with
varied social backgrounds including business men, educators, health
professionals, skilled tradesmen, students and underemployed. Self
revealed ethnic backgrounds included Pakeha, Maori, European and other
Migrants and Asian/New Zealanders.
Grounded theory analysis of the moral reasoning approaches of the
participants were used to focus on four future challenges for abortion
counselling services which involve male clients.
1. A need for the identification of the models of masculinity currently
constructed through expert clinical encounters for termination and a
recognition of their ‘lack of fit’ with the gendered identities of some
attending males.
2. The manner in which participants rationalise a woman’s “right to
choose” and “their (the woman’s) body” to constrict their own options
in decision-making around terminations. This holds implications for an
abortion service constructed historically around a “woman’s right to
choose” but which also serves male clients.
3. The lack of appropriate forum for men’s discussion and support
during and after their experiences and the possibility and difficulty
of providing such a forum.
4. The complexity of recruiting men into studies such as this. The lack
of representatives of willing participants for the wider male
population highlights the complexity of interpreting results in any
study on this topic with ‘male’ participants.
Others speakers talked around conscientious objection, screening for
family violence, changing methods of contraception, education and
training for counsellors and abortion providers, methods for easing
patients through the process of surgical termination of pregnancy.
Social workers from Christchurch Women’s Hospital gave a moving talk
around earthquake experiences and the changes and challenges of living
and working there.
Carolina Gnad (trained
nurse, counsellor, supervisor and spiritual director, founder and
co-ordinator of P.A.T.H.S.) . Her topic was “Broadening Perspectives
Around Termination of Pregnancy”.
Carolina mapped out the range of influences, individual, clinical,
wider social... in the pregnancy and abortion areas. The question was
raised is a woman making an abortion decision or a pregnancy choice?
She spoke about the difference between the medical/clinical approach
and what the patients’ understanding and their experiences may be.
Carolina spoke about the polarisation of pro-life and pro-abortion
(traditionally regarded as “pro-choice”) factions and how the political
moral debates have coloured and clouded the issues. She presented a
continuum of views and beliefs and shared how P.A.T.H.S. and their
counsellors have adopted a position that is “person-centred pro-life
pro-choice”, and what that means: person-centred in offering
unconditional positive regard and non-judgement, pro-life as in
respecting the dignity and life of all involved in the abortion
scenario (mothers, fathers, offspring, family, friends, medical staff,
counsellors), and pro-choice, where people have the right to make
decisions that affect them and their lives, but that for something to
be a choice, three things need to be present, free will, full
information, absence of pressure or coercion.
Participants were invited to self reflect around
-
What is my personal position?
-
How has my own frame of reference developed?
-
How am I fixed or open to be informed in different ways?
-
How open and accepting am I of others in a different position?
-
How do my views and beliefs affect my attitude and approach in my
relationship with my patient, and their decision-making?
Carolina showed how post abortion research is fraught with conflicts,
limitations and methodological issues and how difficult it is for a
practitioner to know which research can be relied upon. She went on to
caution health practitioners in using research as a basis for their
practice, that it does not replace proper assessment and effective
professional responses. She mentioned the P.A.T.H.S. literary review
around “The Impacts of Past Abortion on Subsequent Pregnancy, Birth and
Postpartum Experience) and directed people to the P.A.T.H.S. website
for the findings.
There were lots of questions raised around decision-making and
counselling methods, informed consent, and follow up, and some
recommendations for clinical practice.
There was definitely scope for more research around complications
beyond the immediate post termination period, more research around
longer term psycho-spiritual and relationship aspects, more studies
needed around groups more at risk of negative reactions, and links to
issues around subsequent pregnancy and parenting, e.g. postnatal
depression and attachment difficulties. Another area of potential
interest for research would be around the experiences of clinicians and
other health practitioners working in the abortion services areas.
Overall it was an interesting conference, personally challenging on
some fronts but some good learning and a good opportunity for
networking.
- Carolina Gnad
My Journey
It was at a prolife workshop in January 2011. I picked up each of the
leaflets and booklets they had there, to see what they were like and
what I could use. Among them was a small booklet from the P.A.T.H.S.
organisation. And I started reading.... Could there be yet things in my
life stemming from my abortion that I could untangle and thus become
more able to be who I am supposed to be?
Half a year later I met one of the P.A.T.H.S. counsellors for the first
time. I outlined my life so far.... and spoke about myself as a
teenager. Last year of school, a sheltered, loving, cultivated,
religious home with high standards. “Teacher’s pet”, always a good
girl. My warm caring Mom. My cool, very self-disciplined, yet very
caring Dad, with his own very hard childhood. Starting to mix with “The
Drama Group”, young (and old) people from the local amateur theatre and
the low moral standards there, especially in regards to relationships
and sex.
Acquaintance with Kirt, falling in love. His background was a broken
home, bitter mother and a father he hated. His communist / atheist
world views clashed with mine. He criticises, is even angry at my
parents for raising us the way they did.... My parents are increasingly
concerned, warning me. Getting more involved physically, avoiding full
intercourse as a means to avoid pregnancy.
In my last year of high school my monthly doesn’t occur as usual. I
have no thought of pregnancy. Or do I? Very deep down? When feeling
queasy is added to it, I wonder, petrified, horrified. Pregnancy test
is negative! What a huge relief. Yet menstruation doesn’t return,
morning sickness increases. Some weeks later, second pregnancy test:
positive! The world spins, whirls, I am totally dizzy. The SHAME! Big
flaming letters over me: THE S-H-A-M-E! For me, my family, and only
now, thirty years later do I see it. SHAME especially for my father,
who holds a high position in his company, highly respected whom many
look up to. He is proud of his five daughters. And now, I his youngest,
failed him, terribly! I cannot remember Kirt’s reaction. That is
interesting, strange. What do we do? Yes, “we”, it is my parents and I,
not Kirt and I, and not I alone.
Only now do I remember that Kirt had offered to stand by me “If you
want to, we can raise this child together. We can make it!” Why had I
pushed that memory aside? I remember shuddering at the thought of
raising a child with him, passing on his world view. Anyhow, we could
not possibly work together in child rearing! I would have to go it
alone. This made it clearer, that I needed to separate from him - we
had no future together.
The family at home wrestled and struggled in great secrecy over it.
Time was running out. I was almost 12 weeks now. In my country abortion
was only permitted for women with severe medical problems etc. We
briefly touched on adoption. For some strange reason it appeared to me
worse, more heartless than even abortion. Why?!?
My father was concerned that I would be tied to Kirt with this child.
My mother offered to raise the child for me... at 60... what sacrifice,
devotion, commitment. Dear, dear Mom!! Somehow I thought that being
raised without a father was worse than not living at all. Even though
my parents and I talked a lot, I knew, the final decision was mine.
Looking back now I believe the strongest deciding factor was SHAME -
unable to face the world, wanting to hide how low I had fallen. And
what about my father’s reputation... I couldn’t do this to him, I loved
him very much.
We learned where there was a clinic that did illegal abortions for
cash. My mother was going to a conference in that city so we tried to
work the two things together. I went to a doctor and got a referral
letter (the doctor I later learned received payment for each person she
referred).
On 28 November 1979 I trudged up a dark staircase in an old, dark, back
alley house. Darkness all around - on people’s faces, in the small
waiting room, in our hearts. Then the general anaesthetic. My heart was
screaming, wanting to rescue my baby, wanting to protect, to shield it
against all harm. Waking up, fighting the reality of it all. The doctor
who did IT, walked past, stopping and asked “Did you have intercourse?”
I answered no. “Well, of course I had to break your hymen.” Walking on.
How I hated him.
When I talked with the counsellor about THAT DAY, I came up against
intense furious hatred toward this doctor... a new dimension of hatred
I had not yet known.... I prayed for help to forgive again, hand him
and them over to God. I feel the hatred melt away as fog disappears
when the sun shines on it (strong enough). I trust it is defeated for
good.... no coming back. Now as I write four months later I am still
free from it. The day after this pivotal session I wrote to my
counsellor:
Last night when we were
together as a family singing “It took a miracle”, the last two lines of
the chorus especially touched my heart, and I sense that the “Making me
whole” is doing a big step forward through my journey with you. You ask
good questions that shed light into foggy corners.
Last night as I reflected on
the day and gazed once more at “that day”, words and phrases rose onto
the scene:
- repulsion (very strong)
- grief (bottomless)
- the tragedy of the situation
- dark, dark everything
- mechanical, automatic
movements, almost beyond my control
- cold people, dead people
- me betraying the child, its
trust in me!!
- myself feeling betrayed (by
whom?)
- wanting to jump up, rescue my
child, let nobody harm it
- battling the reality of
death, not wanting to accept it
- defeat, paralysed
- my broken, ruined body,
violated, desecrated
Through this journey now, I
will connect my present Me with my Me from then. I will become one
continuous person. All Me. Whole....
It took a miracle to put the
stars in place
It took a miracle to hang the
world in space
But when He saved my soul,
cleansed and made me whole
It took a miracle of love and
grace!
What about naming my child? At first it seems too bold. I did not know
its gender. Does it matter? Bridging the gulf is important, building a
relationship now. During the weeks I sat with my counsellor I quietly
listened for a name... Somehow I always believed she was / is a girl /
woman. I never think of her as a child, but always as a young woman.
Yet as I dare name her, I notice one thing; Now I can look at her,
fully, properly - and yet it feels like peeping through a small hole,
secretly, so she won’t notice me. “She mustn’t see me”, I think. Why? I
am so ashamed. I abandoned her. I failed her, betrayed her, broke her
trust. I know Jesus forgave me, but can she forgive me? I cringe, I
hide.... I am not worthy to be her mother..... But I conquer the fear
to say out loud “I am the mother my children need.”
In later sessions we sift through Hurt, Anger and Forgiveness processes.
The idea of finishing the journey with a memorial service for the child
(young woman in her thirties) appealed to me straight away, but while I
was trying to visualise a way to do it, I understood, that all I really
wanted, was to plant something in memory of her. A tree? A rose? No. I
think a peony. Red - for the blood that was shed, hers, His... or white
for her spotless life in Heaven, or both.
Jo....
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