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Men and Abortion
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MALE ATTITUDES - MEN AND ABORTION
The prospective father is likely to play an important part in the decision for childbirth or for abortion. It is well recognised that attitudes of the husband or male partner towards a pregnancy can strongly influence a woman’s abortion decision. If there is sufficient practical-emotional support, studies show that over 80% of women would choose not to go through with an abortion.
(1)
Where a woman is pregnant out of wedlock and receives no help from the father of the baby, or the husband or partner doesn’t want the baby she is carrying, she will most likely feel subtly, or expressly, co-erced or pressured to consider abortion as the best or only option.
In pre-industrial societies female attitudes toward maternity appear to be largely determined by the masculine attitude toward paternity, even where children are ardently desired and fertile women are much esteemed. Even when women abort ‘of their own free will’, including where they abort from spite, or as a result of a domestic quarrel, they do so under the impact of a genuine or expected masculine attitude.
(2)
Most women desperately need their partner or spouse to demonstrate a reassuring attitude that everything will work out, that the destruction of a baby that was the product of their love-making was out of the question, and that he would protect and care for her and the child.
(3)
The scenarios for men, are many and varied and each carries with it a potential legacy of hurt and pain. Fathers become involved in an abortion in one of five ways:
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They encourage or support the woman to have an abortion
- I knew she was pregnant and I supported her decision completely
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They pressure her to abort
- I knew she was pregnant and I encouraged her to have the abortion. She wanted to have her baby
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They abandon her to make the decision alone
- I knew she was pregnant but I abandoned her. It was her responsibility, not mine.
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They unsuccessfully oppose the decision
- I knew she was pregnant. I didn’t agree with the decision to abort, but went along with it because it was her body and it’s what she seemed to want. I knew she was pregnant and I tried to stop her having an abortion but I couldn’t.
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They learn about the abortion only after it happened
- I did not find out about the pregnancy and abortion until it was over. I had no say it.
(4)
Some men are passive and do not say anything or reveal what they really think or feel. This may be partly due to a belief that the decision for childbearing or abortion
lies with the woman, or they consider that their legal status (or lack of) dictates the context for such an approach. They may then, sometimes mistakenly, convey an attitude of indifference or abandonment to their pregnant partner.
The thought of having a baby can be perceived as a threat, and it can feel easier to have an abortion than have a child. Some men struggle to, and perhaps cannot, accept the pregnancy. If a man is psychologically overwhelmed by the pregnancy of his partner, he may attempt to escape the angst the situation generates and avoid or detach himself from the decision making process.
Men may have their own needs neglected during the early stages of the pregnancy, when a woman may become more inward-looking, not as attentive or responsive. Some men experience resentment and anger, which may be expressed by the withholding of interest and affection, or playing on her vulnerabilities (e.g. concern about body shape and need for reassurance she is loved).
(5)
A narcissistic man might perceive the unborn child as a rival for his partner or spouse’s affection and he may become hostile to either mother or baby.
(6)
Historical experiences for a man can impact on his attitude to sexual relationships and his readiness for the life-responsibility of paternity or for long-term relationships. Significantly more abortion husbands compared to childbirth husbands reported poor relationships with either or both parents, a more unhappy childhood, more psychiatric illness in their family, and a higher incidence of alcoholism, drug dependency, neurosis, and compulsive gambling.
(7)
Erotic anti-child males, enjoy sexual conquest but do not want to deal with any problems that might ensue.
Some men have difficulty in seeing themselves as a father. Other factors such as career or life goals, financial situation, feeling himself too young, fear of commitment... may feature in his rejecting the co-responsibility of parenthood. His relationship with his sexual partner at the time may not be secure or in the nature of a serious, long-term commitment. In other situations there may be conflict in the relationship, which may involve third parties, for example, where a man is not sure he is the father of the child, or there is unfinished business with a previous partnership or relationship for either the male or female, or an extra-marital affair responsible for the pregnancy. This can produce huge dilemmas for a man.
There is a general misconception when it comes to abortion that ‘men don’t care’. In
reality some men care heaps and abortion is more stressful for men than is publicly
admitted.
Research shows that the majority of men in clinic waiting rooms feel isolated, angry at their partners and themselves, and/or concerned about the physical and emotional damage the abortion might cause their partner.
According to the law men have few rights to protect their offspring, and this for some is cause for anger. Propaganda that talks about abortion being “a woman’s choice” effectively excludes men from the decision-making, and many men who feel isolated from the decision, especially if they are opposed to the abortion feel emasculated and powerless.
(8)
Some men do offer and seek to provide both financial and emotional support to their partner/wife and child, but she may have a low attachment to the unborn child, and has possibly placed other considerations ahead of having a family or another child at this time. This can be hurtful for a man and very difficult to deal with.
Many factors influence how a man will respond to an abortion e.g. his background, values and beliefs, the part he has played in the decision and the actual process, current situation and ambitions... Thoughts and feelings before or after an abortion depend on whether or not he allows himself to get in touch with his feelings surrounding the pregnancy and abortion, and realises what the abortion means in real terms. This realisation may not happen till later in life, when his situation and circumstances change, for example, to include a family.
Men can be affected by abortion in similar ways as women and many have reported post-abortion problems such as:
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feelings of grief and helplessness,
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feelings of guilt and shame
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depression
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sexual dysfunction
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substance abuse
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self-hatred
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self-esteem and confidence problems
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fear of relationships
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increased risk taking and suicidal behaviour
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greater tendencies to becoming angry or violent
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a sense of lost manhood
(9)
It needs to be understood that talking about abortion is an even greater taboo for men than for women.
If a man wants to shed a tear, he had better do it privately. If he feels that the abortion had denied him his child, he had better work it through himself.
(10)
Typical male grief includes remaining silent and grieving alone. In the silence a man can harbour guilt and doubts about his ability to protect himself and those he loves. Some become depressed and or anxious, others controlling, demanding and directing. Still others become enraged and failure in any relationship can trigger hostility from their disenfranchised grief. A guilt-ridden tormented man does not easily love of accept love.
(11)
The attitude of the male partner is an important factor in how a woman might adjust after the abortion.
Some studies found support from the partner to be an important predictor of good adjustment afterwards, but more recently, research findings indicate that his accompanying her to the abortion is often a predictor of greater post-abortion depression.
(12)
The existence of a stable relationship may heighten ambivalence about the abortion for a woman.
(13)
If a spouse or partner is perhaps initially non-accepting or hostile about the pregnancy and she feels she is doing it for him to protect the relationship, or if she is feeling subtly coerced or manipulated, and is wondering about the depth of intimacy and questioning his commitment to the relationship, then after the abortion there may be a build up of resentment and increased likelihood of anger and depression.
(14)
Sally had been involved with her partner for only six months and they conceived while using the rhythm method. Her partner was very distressed because he had impregnated his previous partner, who claimed to have been using contraception. She gave birth around the time that Sally had conceived. Sally said, “My partner was totally traumatised and rushed out to obtain a vasectomy.” Sally had an abortion.
(p288,
Experiencing
Abortion
, Eve Kushner, New York:Harrington Park Press, 1997)
REFERENCES:
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1.
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Aborted Women: Silent No More
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David Reardon, Loyola University Press, Chicago, 1987
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2.
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A Study of Abortion in Primitive Societies
, George Devereux, The Julian
Press, New York, 1955,
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3.
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The Effects of Abortion on Marriage and Other Committed Relationships
,
Teri Reisser, Association for Interdisciplinary Research in Values and Social
Change, 6(4):1-8, 1994
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4.
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Restoring Fatherhood Lost
,
Warren Williams, Post Abortion Review, Vol 4, No.4, Fall 1996
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5.
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Expectant Fathers
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Sam Bittman & Sue Rosenberg Zalk, New York:Ballantine Books, 1978,
1980
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6.
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Sixty Battered Women
, Elaine Hilberman, Victimology 2:460, 1977-78
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7.
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Husbands of Abortions Applicants: A Comparison With Husbands of Women Who Complete Their Pregnancies
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F Lieh-Mak, Social Psychiatry, 14:59, 1979
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8.
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Men and Abortion, Losses and Love
, Shostak, Arthur, Praeger 1984
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9.
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Men and Abortion - A Path to Healing
by C.T. Coyle, Ph.D. Life Cycle Books, Canada 1999
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10.
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Portraits of Post-Abortive Fathers, Devastated by the Abortion Experience
,
Strahan, Thomas, Assoc. for Interdisciplinary Research in Values and
Social Change, 7(3), Nov/Dec 1994
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11.
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The Effects of Abortion on Men
, Rue, Vincent, Ethics and Medics
21(4):3-4, 1996
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12.
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Psychosocial and Emotional Consequences of Elective Abortion: A Literature
Review
, in Paul Sachdev, ed., Abortion: Readings and Research, Toronto:
Butterworth, 1981, p65-75
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13.
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The Abortion Choice: Psychological Determinants and Consequences
, God,
et al., 1984,
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14.
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Identifying High Risk Abortion Patients
,
Post Abortion Review Vol 1, No 3, 1993
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