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Stories & Reflections
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TRISH'S STORY
I was 40 years old and felt ambivalent about being pregnant because I feared I could not cope with another baby at this time. I sought help, but it seemed everyhwere I turned nobody could give me the kind of practical help I needed. I allowed myself to have an abortion I did not want. I have always had fertility problems and have had treatment for many years.
My young son, a toddler at the time, was conceived through a Metrodin programme. He is such a treasure.
However, with the isolation, the lack of practical help, no experience in baby or child care and no family support with the first baby, I suffered severe postnatal depression and was just recovering when I found myself pregnant again. It was completely unexpected and a huge shock. I dreaded the thought of coping with another baby, as well as a toddler - it was too much.
The baby I aborted was my first child that I had conceived naturally, and as I anguished afterwards I believed the chance would not come again.
Incredibly I have been blessed with another baby, a baby girl this time, and although I feared something might go wrong with the pregnancy or afterwards, she too is a treasure. I still feel sad and angry about the baby I lost through desperation and systems that let me down and failed to help me.
(Trish C - P.A.T.H.S. 1999)
ALENA'S STORY
Three months after separating from my husband, the final break-up of a 20 year relationship, I found I was pregnant - the result of a one night stand. Single parent, sole income earner and 40 years old - I could not allow myself to consider any alternative to an abortion.
This was my fourth pregnancy. The first had been when I was 16 years old. I was not
given any choice about the outcome of the pregnancy and was sent away from home
to a home for unmarried mothers. My baby girl was adopted out. I had to swear on
a Bible that I would make no attempt to have any contact with the child and that
I was relinquishing any rights as a mother by signing the adoption papers.
My second and third pregnancies gave me two wonderful children - one from each
marriage.
Although these babies were both within my marriages, the
pregnancies were not welcomed by either father and so I was pregnant and
unsupported again.
Both my partners were heavy drinkers and when they had
been drinking that was when the abusive situations were at their worst.
My first marriage at 18 was physically and mentally abusive. The beatings started
when I was pregnant and never stopped until I took my four year old and left. I
went into another bad relationship within a couple of months - not physically
abusive but with a moody, sulky man, unable to communicate his feelings.
Although I knew the relationship was unhealthy, I hoped it would get better.
I
was too afraid of being alone again
.
My second relationship endured three separations. I always forgave him and took him
back regardless of how badly my first son and I had been treated, believing that
things would change. I was
still too scared of being alone.
During the
years of this relationship, I was developing some independence although I didn’t
recognise it at the time. I had a good job and income and had earned respect
within my profession. I still couldn’t believe I deserved any of this ‘good
luck’, a belief regularly reinforced by my partner. I became pregnant after
the final reconciliation of this relationship and we were married before the
birth of my second son. I was so happy.
I had always hoped to have four children and I naively hoped that once the baby was born, my husband would agree to have more
babies. Not to be. Although he loved our baby, he was emphatic that he would
leave me if I became pregnant again.
About five years ago, my father-in-law died and a few days after the funeral my
husband was assaulted. He was in a coma in intensive care for 10 days, there was
no way of telling whether he would survive and if he did what extent of brain
damage there would be. He was in hospital for a further three months before
being sent home. He was relatively mobile but he was very dependent and deeply
depressed. I only worked part-time in my job for the first six weeks so that I
could share in his care.
Although he was alive and at home, he had become a very different person. Living with
this sad, uncaring person was taking a huge toll on both of my children as well
as me. The situation became unbearable and we agreed to separate. The relief was
immense.
Shortly after he moved out, I had a brief affair (one night with a much younger man).
Very flattering to me who had been unwanted and unloved for so long. The result
of this "no strings attached" one night stand was that, I found myself
pregnant.
Shock - horror.
How could I have been so stupid!
I made the abortion decision alone and told only my two closest friends who
supported me in my decision. I had to wait until I was nine weeks pregnant to
have the abortion. The longest wait of my life, as I felt really sick and was
putting on weight.
My biggest fear - that someone would find out.
The abortion itself didn’t seem so bad as I was so relieved to be “fixing the problem”. But the nightmare didn’t end there. I became really sick with an infection and I was trying to carry on with life as though the pregnancy and abortion had never happened.
I felt ashamed and dishonest and it seemed to me that I was being punished yet again.
I had never acknowledged to myself that I had been pregnant with a baby and that I had chosen to end its life.
I recovered my physical health and my body returned to its
pre-pregnant condition. My life seemed to become so hard in the following
year. I didn’t have the physical or mental energy to put into my job. I
believed that it was the job - I’d been there for over 10 years and decided I
needed a change. I left at the end of the year to work for myself. I gave my all
to the business and it still wasn’t enough to earn what I needed. I was barely
able to function. I had sought advice about hormone deficiency earlier in the
year and had been put onto Hormone Replacement Therapy. Some initial relief but
not enough.
Anxiety and panic had become a way of life.
My weight had plummeted and I couldn’t sleep.
The doctor was unable to
offer any explanation for the panic and anxiety I was experiencing. Finally I
decided to seek a female GP within our medical practice. Thank God for that
doctor. By now I was a total wreck. I just wanted to run.
My self confidence was completely gone. I couldn’t perform the most basic task,
let alone earn enough money to keep us.
The doctor believed that I was
suffering from depression. The relief to know that this terrible feeling had a
name was incredible. I was prescribed anti-depressants and she suggested that I
seek counselling, advice that I gladly took. She agreed that I was unable to
work and so, for the first time in my life, I became a beneficiary. After three
months on the Sickness Benefit I was required to go to another doctor for a
second opinion. I was fortunate that the doctor I saw was familiar with the
P.A.T.H.S. programme and
recognised that my depression was possibly
associated with my abortion experience.
The counsellor I had seen previously
had suggested that my symptoms were consistent with Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder but had not made a possible connection to the abortion.
Until I became involved with the P.A.T.H.S. programme, I had not seen myself as a
victim nor had I acknowledged that I aborted a baby that subconsciously I
wanted.
I struggled with the forgiveness step of the programme as I believed that I was
the only person responsible for my experience. I now know that is not true and
so have been able to forgive myself and others.
My journey has been hard and
has at times felt endless.
I will never forget the poor wee soul that I couldn’t keep but trust that he is
in God’s care.
I completed the P.A.T.H.S. programme. Writing my story made me feel very sad but has been
very therapeutic. When I had finished the first part of this story I felt as
though a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I could see things much more
clearly and no longer totally blamed myself for the events and situations that
seem to have been my life. I hope that I never have to return to the black hole
of despair that now seems distant. I returned initially to part-time work and am
now back to full-time work soon. I feel very privileged to be surrounded by
caring family and friends who have supported me throughout this journey and
continue to do so. Thank God for the P.A.T.H.S. programme and the blessing of my
counsellor there who shared my fears and tears and helped me find myself when I
was lost.
(Alena M - P.A.T.H.S. 2000)
ROSE'S STORY
It has been nearly ten years since I had the abortion - I was 32 years old. Ten years of lost enjoyment of life and the severe grief and pain the abortion caused in me. I lost my identity as a wife, a mother and what I saw as a good person. My self-esteem was low and I isolated myself from others to hide my grief.
I believe that life is a gift and very precious. I know my baby was precious to me already, as were my other two children, and I didn’t want to hurt him. One thing I asked the counsellor at the abortion clinic was “Will the baby know
any pain?” She went on to explain the baby as so tiny, implying its insignificance or lack of development. I hope and pray he or she didn’t feel any pain. I didn’t ask her whether I would have pain, I was already in emotional pain doing what I thought I had no choice over.
The fear that I had, led me on the path of my baby’s death and in turn my own spiritual death - but I still
live
. I live with the grief and sorrow of my loss and what could have been. I have finally gained through my pain an awareness of myself. My fears and reactions from past hurts which were never understood or processed by me. I understand now, how I gave myself away
and gave into pressure and became passive. I always thought one should put others needs and wants before one’s own. I put my husband’s wants and needs before our child’s and my own.
I feared abandonment by him, and that our two other children may lose their dad. I feared my husband’s withdrawal of me and his inability to cope. Having gone through attempted suicides with my teenage boyfriend when I was 15 & 16 years old, I also subconsciously feared my husband would do the same. He later told me that this was how he felt, but he never sought help for himself. He wanted me to have an abortion and found every negative reason to persuade me that I couldn’t have our baby. He gave me no support or said it was my decision or choice. I needed his approval. I felt a huge weight of responsibility to honour and obey my husband’s wishes.
The abortion was certainly not my so called “choice”.
But I have learnt now that I do have choices and that I did have a choice then. This knowledge is incredibly hard for me to deal with and I am finding it very hard to forgive myself. I now know that I do not have to accept others’ negative statements as “truth” and am learning to listen to my own truths and intuition.
Was it a lesson worth learning? Yes, but not at the expense of my baby’s life.
My marriage is now over. I hoped we could work it out but I desperately wanted another child. This wasn’t to be. I never pushed the issue hard enough for my husband to really take notice. He would never give me a firm answer - always “I don’t know”. Perhaps he knew if he said “no” that I couldn’t cope with it.
I thank God for leading me to the P.A.T.H.S. program, where I finally found the support I needed. The acceptance I received helped me learn to accept myself and lead me out of the darkness of the abortion experience. I also thank God for the gift of my life and that of my two children - they give my life meaning and a reason to go on.
(Rose - P.A.T.H.S. 2002)
MARIAN'S STORY
My first abortion at 20 was heavily decided by my partner, who gave all the right reasons to have an abortion, and in order to please him and keep the relationship, I also made the decision to have an abortion. Immediately following that abortion I had a lot of physical energy and joy and a happy partner. The idea of having just destroyed a life didn’t even enter my consciousness at that time, and incidentally I never told anyone, especially my parents - I had no support.
The relationship soon deteriorated into a very aggressive and unloving space, from, and for, both of us, and a couple of years later, ended. The years following that I felt a lot of hurt, pain and rejection relating to this abortion, but was only able to express it through anger (coming from a childhood lacking love, honesty of emotion was not something my parents taught).
The second abortion took place when I was 27. The decision to have the abortion was for exactly the same reasons as the first one. I thought it would be even easier as I now knew the drill. But this time when it was all over I didn’t have the joyous, energetic feeling. I was sad and thought a lot about the would-be baby. The mood swings became more frequent and I would get extremely angry - still no honesty, more denial covered up by excessive alcohol binges.
Before I absolutely exploded, through a friend I found out about P.A.T.H.S. and went along, still not identifying the relationship between my pain and anger, and the abortion, but decided to go along as I had never had counselling for the abortions. The key to moving on and releasing hurts I’m finding is awareness and understanding - which P.A.T.H.S. has given me. I began writing a journal for my emotional progress and after about the fifth session my page was headed “I am 28½ years old and today is the beginning of my life!”
(Marian F - P.A.T.H.S. 1999)
BERYL's STORY
My husband and I are directors of three Discipleship Training Schools with
Youth With A Mission. We have six children and ten grandchildren. We are now
three generations of Christians. God has blessed us tremendously, but life wasn’t
always so great.
My family were not Christians. My father was an alcoholic, and my parents divorced when I was ten. I was the oldest of three children, all of whom were damaged emotionally in some way by the trauma of our childhood.
I married young, and we had three children. When I got pregnant again my husband didn’t want any more children and insisted on an abortion. Our marriage was shaky and abortion had just become legal in New Zealand. The newspapers were full of "a woman’s right to her body" etc.
So to "save" my marriage I finally agreed. Of course it only made things worse.
The counselling I received beforehand, consisted of one session where I was told that it was not a baby, just a few cells as big as my little finger nail. The abortion was quick, humiliating and painful. I remember the doctor spoke across to the nurse and said "This one must be four months." I felt cold. I knew a four month old foetus was a fully formed baby, kicking and moving around - not just cells. I hated that doctor and I hated the counsellor who lied to me.
Afterwards there was an initial sense of huge relief. It was over - I could get on with my life again. But a few days later a huge cloud of depression descended on me.
I cried continually - I couldn’t eat or sleep. My marriage was falling apart. I felt so much anger and resentment to my husband and I hated myself. We moved house - a fresh start - I got a new job to take my mind off everything.
A Christian girl there began to fast and pray for me. Six months later she took me to church and there I finally found forgiveness and healing. My husband watched me and three years later he too became a Christian. For three days after making that commitment I found him reading an old Bible and weeping. He asked me "What’s wrong with me?" I said "I think God is healing you." He agreed. A week after his healing took place his plane crashed into the sea off Wanganui. We never saw him again, but we had the tremendous comfort of knowing he had made his peace with God before he went.
It wasn’t until years later on a trip taking Bibles into China with my new husband, that I came face to face with abortion again. China’s one child policy means girl babies are aborted, drowned at birth, thrown into rivers etc. Sitting next to a Chinese courier in a restaurant, he told me that millions of girl babies are murdered every year - aborted forcibly at full term sometimes. Grief overwhelmed me for those women.
When I arrived home a friend and I started a group called "Open Arms" for post abortion counselling in Auckland. Over the years we have seen many women healed and restored. I have spoken on radio, in churches, women’s groups, I have run workshops for priests, and written for magazines so that this message of hope gets out.
WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
This inner rage which seethed
just below the surface of my emotions
would catch me off-guard,
exploding without warning.
I didn’t know where it came from
or why it happened
or even when it would occur next.
But like a rogue wave surging
soundlessly toward the shoreline,
it would smash against the jagged
edges of my life without warning.
Once spent, a heavy undertow of hopelessness
dragged my shame back out to sea.
- Patricia A. Bigliardi
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LEND ME YOUR HOPE
Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily
pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn;
looking ahead to future times does not bring forth
images of renewed hope.
I see troubled timed, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings, recovery seems so far distant.
The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.
Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me, offer your presence, your heart and your love.
Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for a while;
and a time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal, hope and love with others.
Adapted from the poem “Lend Me Your Hope” author unknown.
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THE HANDS OF GOD
You reached into my well and touched my paint
A pain that disturbed my well within
The well of life, and peace and lvoe.
For within the well was the grief, the guilt, the loss
Of my dear sweet unborn babies.
I felt you gently reach in
And cupping them in your hands
You gently, slowly, beautifully, drew them upward;
Past my heart aching within
Past my throat clamped with tears
Past my mind so tortured and bent
Past my eyes overflowing with more tears
And gently, ever so gently, I felt them go
And with it the pain in my well
A relief, a peace filled my body
It may not be complete Lord,
This grieving, this pain, this guilt
But I know, the pain has gone from my well
The well is now pure, now waiting, now wholesome again
To give, to love, to uphold
Others in pain, in guilt, in grief.
Praise you Lord, for your gentle touch
Your gentle leading, your gentle healing hand and love
For now I know the peace, the joy, the contentment
Of being free of that pain, that guilt, that grief
Of losing two precious babies before they were held by me
Their mother, their friend, their soulmate
For what better hands could they be in
Than their Creator, their Maker, their Father-Mother God
To be loved and held for eternity
Praise you my God, my Creator, my Maker, my friend.
- Angela 1998
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WHISPERS FROM HEAVEN
Mother, dear, dear, Mother,
could we talk, you and I?
When I look down from Heaven,
sometimes I see you cry.
I want so much to hug you then
as tight as tight can be
Because I think the tears you shed
are sad, sad tears for me.
Dear Mother, I forgive you,
O please believe I do!
It must have been so difficult
so very hard for you.
They told you things would be all right,
your life would just go on,
But never said how much you'd weep
and grieve when I'd be gone.
Yet we can still be very close
and love each other, too
For though I am now with God
I'll always be a part of you.
So, Mother, won't you name me, please
and from my home above,
I'll hear you and I'll come each time
you call to me with love.
I'ld like to be the faithful friend
in whom you can confide;
Your sentinel before God's throne,
the angel at your side.
So talk to me and sing to me,
and pray with me, please do!
And when you send a smile to me
I'll send one back to you!
So don't be sad, dear Mother,
you'll be just fine, I know,
For I'll be there in spirit
wherever you may go.
And when God brings you home to me,
my heart will know true bliss,
As I run up to greet you
with a great big hug and kiss!
- Your aborted child
(S.M.E. - Brooklyn)
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DEAR COUNSELLOR
Dear Counsellor,
It’s been just over two months since my abortion. I hope you will share this
with all the counsellors at the clinic. I found it an extremely difficult
decision to make and was very ambivalent right up to the time of the
abortion. I believed it would be an easy thing to do and I would primarily
feel relieved. I certainly didn’t expect to feel completely devastated,
cry for weeks on end and find myself swamped by full-blown grief. To try
and make sense of such sadness and pain I (eventually found) a few books
on pregnancy-related losses only to find grief following abortion covered
in quite a lot of detail and certainly describing how I felt. Obviously I
was not the only person to ever have reacted this way to an abortion...
Now I don’t know if you deliberately don’t mention the possibility of
such a depth of grief because it hardly ever happens OR you are not aware
of it happening. If the former, then I think women have the right to
know... If the latter, then I hope this letter.... will change that.... I
realise a pro-abortion stand serves you and most women well and it is a
stand with which I wholeheartedly agree, but the deep strong feelings that
go with an abortion, especially when the woman is ambivalent or unsure,
must never be trivialised, denied or ignored."
(Written by LEE p220 in the book "Giving Sorrow Words" - Melinda
Tankard-Reist)
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FORGET ME NOT
Forget me not, though time may pass,
though months turn into years;
though memories of me may hurt
and cause you to cry tears.
Let tears fall free... don’t hold them in,
release your pent-up pain
And when tears come... let healing come...
embrace me once again.
Until the time when we embrace,
when all things are made new...
Acknowledge me... help others know,
the pain your choice brought you.
The pain won’t always hurt that much,
and bitter tears will cease;
Though bittersweet memories will stay,
There is a way to peace.
(Adapted from a poem by Lori Archuleta "In Memory of My Precious
Trinity")
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