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P.A.T.H.S. Newsletter Excerpts - 2003
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TEEN DADS
There was a presentation of a paper on Teen Dads in October in Christchurch, the
culmination of research carried out by Harald Breiding-Buss, Tyler Guise, Tony
Scanlan and Terry Voice of the Father and Child Trust. Some key points were:
Only a
small proportion of academic research dealing with teenage pregnancy deals with
the fathers as a factor, and many studies did not mention the father at all,
even though, as E.Pitt (1986) put it "most sexual activity is male
initiated, and most sexual behaviour is male influenced... it becomes clear that
there will be no resolution of the problem of teenage pregnancy without
directing greater attention to the male."
Contrary to popular belief, many teenage
fathers were quite keen to be involved with their children, but they had a lot
of obstacles to overcome to actually be involved. This includes their
backgrounds, often raised by single mothers themselves; the disapproval and lack
of support form the maternal and paternal grandparents; the mother’s
reluctance to allow his involvement; the seemingly impossible demand on time and
emotion; and the financial obligations where little finances exist to meet them.
For those who did want involvement, researchers found many gradually lost
contact through lack of structured intervention and committed support from the
child’s family and both sets of grandparents.
Becoming a father during adolescence has
serious con-sequences for individual development, and teenage fathers are not
psychologically prepared for their new role. Unrealistic expectations and the
inability to combine the development tasks of adolescence with the
responsibilities of fatherhood increase their vulnerability to parenting
failure. (Jones 2000)
The picture that emerged from the results of the local survey speaks of lost
opportunity. The question to be asked is "What gets in the way?"
rather than "What needs to be done to motivate the teen dads even
more?" We also need to ask whether those young men that are absent from
their children’s lives by their own choice really stay away because they do
not care, or because they cannot see a useful place for themselves.
The children of young men in the survey were almost always unwanted initially
but once accommodated with the fact that there is to be a child, and if
supported, most respondents felt good that they were now dads.
For a copy of the full research document"The
Support Needs of Teenage Fathers" contact
the Father and Child Trust
PO Box 26040, Christchurch, phone 372 9140,
or
visit
www.teendads.org.nz
Editor’s Note:
It is interesting that for women who fall pregnant unexpectedly the initial
reaction of the father of the child bears huge weight in terms of how she might
feel about the pregnancy and the future - that initial response often sets the
scene for how a woman percieves the support and intentions of her partner and
may if negative create unconscious pressure to not keep the child. Looking at it
from the male perspective the intial reaction is often one of shock and denial,
and hence negative, but from the accounts in the survey, once a man has a chance
to work it through and if given genuine and effective support, he may be less
likely to be averse to the idea of supporting a woman and her baby. We hear
repeatedly from post-abortive women that a woman needs not just to hear words or
be given empty promises, but needs to have a "felt sense" of her
partner or spouse's genuine support and care.
Coerced Abortions
Coercion is occurring. It is common knowledge that abortion often
suits lovers and parents more than it suits the pregnant women themselves.
It takes no leap of imagination to understand how these persons often pressure,
badger and blackmail a woman into accepting an unwanted "safe"
abortion because it "will be best for her" and "best for
everyone". Prominent abortion defender Daniel Callahan wrote "That men
have long coerced women into unwanted abortion when it suits their purposes is
well known but rarely mentioned." Population control zealots may defend
forced abortions but most people would not wish to recognise or admit it is
happening here in good old New Zealand. Where is the line between ordinary ‘pressures’
that may influence a decision and coercion?
There is significant heartache for women who feel pressured into doing something
they would rather not. They can come around to thinking it is for the best and
feeling there is no other choice, but afterwards are often faced with
disillusionment and disappointment. For example, the relationship that the
abortion was supposed to save or enhance may end, or the pretence to save face
for themselves or others may dissolve, and often they do not feel better about
themselves for the decision they made.
For the woman who is coerced there may be an added sense of violation or
injustice for which anger is a natural response both at the time or afterwards.
Who should be held responsible for ensuring a woman’s choice to have an
abortion is totally her own and that she is not being pressured into this
decision by others? Where is the accountability?
New Marketing Techniques to Quell Women’s
Regrets (USA)
Excerpts from "Culture and
Cosmos" (USA) Vol 1, Number 6, September 9, 2003. Copyright - Culture of
Life Foundation www.culture-of-life.org
A group calling itself the November Gang that is connected to abortion
providers has started a new effort to help women overcome their reluctance and
regrets concerning abortion. In some clinics, women are "permitted to pray
over their fetuses, even to sprinkle them with holy water in impromptu baptismal
rites." Organisers say they are "intent on taking as much care with a
patient’s heart as with her body."
The National Coalition of Abortion Providers is more revealing about the
rationale: "if you don’t talk about (the fact that some women do regret
their abortions), don’t acknowledge things, the anti-abortion movement will
fill in the blanks, which is what they’ve been doing for years" For
instance, pro-life crisis pregnancy centres counsel pregnant women in order to
help them understand the reality of abortion and help the women explore other
options, such as adoption or financial and medical assistance.
One of the members of the "Gang" describes how years ago she
administered a questionnaire to patients two weeks after their abortion, asking
how they felt about their abortion and if they wished they had any more
information. She was surprised when a percentage of them were not OK... this did
not match my pro-choice message of "Everybody’s fine, it’s just
tissue." I need to help women work through their feelings."
Patients are prompted with questions such as "Can you see abortion as a ‘loving
act’ toward your children and yourself?" or "Does being a good
mother sometimes mean acknowledging that I can’t be a mother right now?"
A clinic staffer said, "A lot of them... actually think about it and they’re
like ‘Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. I do love this child, but I can’t
(have) it right now."
Clinic workers do not attempt to educate the women about fetal development, and
if a patient believes that her child is "just a bunch of cells", the
staff don’t "make (the patient) talk about what’s not there";
"I call it whatever the patient calls it," said one worker.
Clinic workers also do not make referrals to adoption agencies, centres for
prenatal care, or financial assistance in helping the women to have their
babies.
Rationalisations may Appear to Help
but Ultimately Can be Destructive
Every abortion situation involves unique
individuals and partnerships with a complex situation of circumstances and
relationship aspects which creates a real melting pot in crisis. There are an
infinite numbers of ways to rationalise the need for an abortion, and whilst at
the time these appear to serve the individual or the partnership well, enabling
a woman (with/without her partner or spouse) to proceed with termination, at the
end of the day these rationalisation are mostly destructive and inevitably carry
a price - usually in the form of disease or dis-ease of some kind.
An abortion decision may in the first instance not take into account the life of
the baby, or if it does then even this is rationalised against the ‘well-being’
of the mother and the relationship or whatever else. The huge problem is that
when ‘in crisis’ our thinking does extraordinary leaps and jumps that can
even run contrary to our fundamental beliefs and deepest desires, and our
decisions are not always congruent with who we are as persons.
Like an animal caught in a trap will do anything to escape so too when faced
with such seemingly ‘life-threatening’ (in the broadest sense) or
life-changing dilemmas we will think ourselves around to a solution which
appears to solve the matter at hand, but without always allowing ourselves to
consider or to consider fully, the real ramifications or possible impacts on our
self or our lives. The immediate outcome is usually the problem is resolved or
eradicated. But what happens all too often is that what we imagined or were
deceived into believing might be the benefits or consequence(s), do not fit with
the lived reality. The rationalisations that once seemed clear and reasonable
are suddenly not so rational - they stand out as distortions of the truth.
There is no denying that when looked upon with compassionate eyes the situations
people find themselves in and what they face with an unplanned or difficult
pregnancy can be horrendous. And yes, we all make the best decisions we can at
the time with what we have and we live with the consequences of our actions. But
what if someone could’ve told us what it might’ve been like or what the
risks might be? What if we heard about the lived experiences of others and what
it was really like? What if there was more information and support, would we be
subject to the same rationalisations that so often lead to regret, anxiety,
despair, depression, guilt... Could we perchance have done it differently and
given our baby a chance at life after all?
PRO-CHOICE or POOR CHOICE RHETORIC
"Abortion advocates’ consistent appeal for "choice" suggests
that
choice, in and of itself is the highest ideal of free people….
This however does not equate if the choice or decision
is uninformed, dangerous and regrettable."
- Dr David Reardon, Elliott Institute, USA
Pro-choice wrt abortion implies “freedom to choose”. It conjures up images of women freely and autonomously making decisions that are ‘right’ for them. It indicates a proactive process that requires all the relevant information and facts available to sort and sift through before making a decision, as well as a full exploration of all the options and one’s position and feelings around each possibility. Pro “fully-informed” choice could go some way to ensuring that a decision made is an affirmative action in a person’s life.
Current ‘pro-choice’ rhetoric gives the impression that by virtue of having the (supposed) choice one is ultimately empowered. At one level, for some women, it may be about having the power over their own bodies, which is primary we are told by some in certain feminist circles, but it is also about the power to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the life growing within. Many women do not realise, acknowledge or see the life growing within in terms of it being a human being - they are often led to believe it is merely a blob of tissue, not yet formed and therefore insignificant. Though interestingly, if a woman miscarries often the reality of a ‘baby’ growing and developing in the womb is readily accepted and the loss openly acknowledged.
Many women who decide to abort consider abortion to be wrong and so they violate their own consciences, and when they come to grief afterwards it is their own inner deep knowing that convicts them of the reality they denied at the time. Maybe information (written or graphic) may shock them into such realisation.
Some who have a head awareness of the scientific facts around foetal development, continue to deny the reality and significance of the life developing within the womb. Lack of attachment to the developing baby often compounds the denial and may make the choice to abort seem more innocuous. Emotional detachment is seen to be a necessary aspect of the abortion decision-making process and the ability to proceed with the unwanted procedure.
Abortion is supposed to be about ‘choice’ and ‘empowerment’, yet for numbers of women before and afterwards their decision has left them bereft of a sense of self-power or self-determination.
For numbers of women with an unwanted pregnancy the decision-making process is often curtailed and not always well facilitated. The difficulty is not solely due to the sometimes maybe insufficient or biased counselling received prior to the decision being made, but other factors such as time constraints. Also, the state of being “in crisis” may render women more vulnerable to outside influences and they are often more dependent on the opinions and directions of others. The drive to re-establish stability in a person’s life, to be free of crisis, may create a state of heightened psychological accessibility, where a relatively minor force acting for a relatively short time, can switch the whole balance of a situation from one side to the other. The reality is that sometimes if something in the equation were even slightly different the woman may have chosen to keep the baby, for example if a woman ‘felt’ supported by her husband or partner.
If we concur that people make the best decision they can in a given situation we understand that there are many variables and factors that play a significant part in the process. In the case of a woman with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy the issues around decision making and the notion of ‘choice’ are complex indeed. So many aspects, which may at first glance appear to be relevant across the board in such situations, are for each person unique to their experience of it.
The individual’s perception of reality at that point in time is important, for the perception held strongly then may later change when more facts and feelings come to light or surface from within, often only after the event. This is sometimes seen when women, assuaged with grief and/or guilt, front up later and say they could probably have coped if…., or if only... then…., or if I knew then what I know now…, or I was pregnant with a child…… It is often only after the event they discover what the ramifications are as they live through the sequelae.
Some factors at the time may be experienced as co-ercive, where the feeling is one of “no real choice” other than an abortion. The sad truth is that many women undergo unwanted abortions to please someone else or because of pressure or co-ercion by their sexual partners, parents, social workers, counsellors, employers.... There often seem to be major conflicts in a woman’s thinking and feelings and processing at the time of crisis. The need is often to get rid of the problem, get it sorted as quickly as possible with the least amount of fuss. Were they to really take the time and be open to explore all the issues involved it might, or might not, make a difference in the short term. Some women who believe abortion to be wrong and would never think they could contemplate having one themselves, when faced with the situation, out of fear, desperation and panic can follow through terminating despite their often deep-seated views or beliefs. Nothing is ‘normal’ when in crisis.
A decision made in desperate circumstances or under pressure may not ultimately be the preferred choice. I doubt anyone would wholeheartedly embrace abortion as the most life-giving and uplifting choice for themselves and certainly if they were honest for their unborn baby. The pro-choice legacy may in fact be a ‘poor choice’ legacy.
Some say it is an easy option. For most involved it is rarely ‘easy’ and most women I and others working in the field have encountered both before and after abortion indicate it was a really difficult decision. And the whole ordeal is not something they would wish to repeat. Those who go on to have further terminations, reluctantly or as a matter of course, often seem well-defended against the reality of what is happening in the abortion and what is means for them more personally or deeply.
“There is no evidence that abortion is ever a good choice.
Specifically, there is not a single known, statistically validated study
that demonstrates that abortion generally makes women’s lives better.
The only claims of benefits are anecdotal; and, even in these cases,
the women often say that while they don’t regret having chosen abortion,
they have struggled with it, or at best, have not had any major problems ‘yet’.
Given the fact that women who suffer emotional reactions to abortions
often suppress these emotions, this anecdotal evidence is weak indeed.”
(Dr Reardon, leading researcher on post-abortion issues in the USA.)
For many their decision has ‘cost’ them or disempowered them in a multitude of ways. Many experience physical discomfort and complications, emotional distress and stress, relationship problems and spiritual alienation. Many struggle with ongoing decision-making, finding it harder to trust themselves especially in significant relationships or life events. Many become ‘angry’ or depressed. Many do not feel stronger or more confident, more pleased with themselves or satisfied with life as one might expect had the decision been a wholly affirmative choice in keeping with their deepest beliefs, desires and aspirations.
One woman wrote
“I am trying to learn to live with this and how to put on a show for the world. Sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to keep this show going much longer. On the outside it seems like life has gone on like normal, but on the inside I feel like I am falling apart....”
“If as a society we want to contribute to the mental health of women and men, we must be willing to make a more critical look at the many complex ways abortion can affect their lives”, write American researchers Theresa Burke and David Reardon. Are the medical fraternity and mental health communities ignoring women’s pain because of fear that acknowledging this hidden side of abortion will weaken pro-choice support? Healing should not be held hostage to pro-choice sentiments!
I share these thoughts from what I have observed, from what post-aborted women have shared with me, from material I have read and what I have gleaned from others working in the field. It is a difficult position to be heard from, but the reality is that much of what I speak of is confirmed by women who have been there, and in my mind there is no stronger testimony. And yes, I am aware that just as there are women who admit to experiencing these struggles before and problems afterwards there are others who claim no difficulties or adverse effects or long-term impacts. So be it.
Personal awareness and reflection, growth and knowledge can change our understanding of our experiences. Only time will tell for those involved who at this time claim no adverse reactions or who cannot see the hurt and harm abortion can cause.
For those who afterwards speak about how they bought the lie about the baby ‘not being a real life’ and that abortion will render them ‘free’ and things would return to normal i.e as they were before, rhetoric parts company with reality and the choice they made often seems a poor choice indeed.
- Carolina Gnad
Reaching out for help after an abortion can be difficult.
A major problem is that women and men may feel unable to share their grief with
others.
"When they turn to people who are ‘pro-choice’, they may be told to
"Forget about it. It wasn’t really a baby, yet, so there’s nothing to
feel bad about." Such ‘comforting’ words actually deny the reality of
one’s grief and stymies the healing process. On the other hand, women and men
are likely to feel afraid to share their pain with people on the ‘pro-life’
side because they fear they will be rejected and condemned. As a result, women
and men who are struggling with a past abortion are likely to feel ‘boxed’
on both sides. To whom can they turn? Who will acknowledge the reality of their
grief without making them feel even more guilty? This is why so many carry the
burden of grief alone, and this burden can place an enormous strain on their
ability to function and relate to others."
(From
‘Finding Real Answers About Abortion’ -
http://www.afterabortion.org
)
Overcoming personal guilt and shame
sufficient to face another person with the truth of what happened and what it
meant can be huge. There is sometimes a fear of being odd or different or a
feeling of going crazy.
Often the expectation is that there ought to be no problems after an abortion as
it is supposed to be a simple safe surgical procedure to remove the problem of
an unwanted pregnancy. However when that does not fit a person’s perception or
experience then they can tend to blame themselves, consider themselves to be
defective, that it is their problem once again to ‘fix’ somehow, not
realising that much of what they experience is shared by others who have had
abortions too.
When hurt by health ‘professionals’ it may feel risky to reach out to other
professionals. The ability to trust again and to be sure they are doing the
right thing may be a concern.
The fear of not being understood, of being judged, of someone else thinking them
abnormal or crazy can be a deterrent, as it would confirm what they themselves
fear.
Often it is when a person feels ‘desperate’ or has a sense they cannot go on
the way they are will they pluck up the courage to make contact, to pick up the
phone and ask for help.
That initial call can be a huge!
So if you know someone who has had an abortion and appears to be not coping too
well or struggling physically or emotionally, affirm them in their experience
and encourage them to reach out for help!
The Problem of Concealment
We are in a postmodern era where being pregnant out of
wedlock is common and supposedly more ‘acceptable’. One might expect that
with a climate where abortion is readily available, government funded, and even
promoted at times, that there ought be no problems around talking openly and
freely about the experience. This does not seem to be the case.
In the first instance numbers of women often still keep the
fact they have unintentionally fallen pregnant hidden. To be pregnant is not
always, even in the best circumstances, celebrated in our society. To become
pregnant when there is already so much promotion of safe sex may imply to some
they have ‘failed’, it is their own fault and they need now to deal with it.
There is little promotion of alternatives such as saying ‘no’ to sex or
waiting or establishing good relationships.
Some women, for whom abortion is viewed as wrong and harmful,
may proceed with the pregnancy. When they feel well supported they are more
likely to continue with the pregnancy despite the odds .
Some women may go through the decision-making process about
what to do about it with some or little support, feeling abandoned or they may
choose not to involve people for fear of what people might think, fear of
judgement or for some there may be a fear of exposure, the ‘world will know’.
They may feel they have let themselves and/or others down and that can be a
powerful force for concealment.
Numbers who have had an abortion say they feel the stigma
still. They suppress their real feelings, approach life with an air of pretense,
pretending things are okay and ‘normal’ but somewhere inside they know
things are not normal.
They carry this secret and then need to expend considerable
energy protecting the secret. There is often a fear of the secret being
discovered. For example, in conversations when the topic of abortion comes up
some women become quite self conscious and worry that something they say or the
way they look might give them away.
For something that has seemingly become commonplace and
socially acceptable there is still a sense of taboo around the subject and the
silence can be deafening. Either that or people’s strong opinions may silence
someone who has had an abortion or cause them to overreact or react defensively.
The need to conceal the truth about being pregnant and the reality of
abortion experiences and aftermath is real.
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