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Choice, not Coercion
Before I was coerced
into an abortion in February 2002 everything seemed to have finally fallen into
place in my life.
I’d spent years on my
own as mother of two little children, working and studying to try to make a
more comfortable future for us all. I’d started tentatively with study at 30,
having never attempted anything like that before but after the incredible
encouragement of an A and a B+ for my first two papers I gradually built up a
head of steam that saw me graduate 7 years later with an honours degree in
English Literature, my LTCL and LSB in Speech and Drama and a Diploma in
Secondary Teaching. In my final 2 years I was working 24 hours a week and had
no support network for myself and the children. But I did it for future
independence and security. The following year I was working full-time in my
dream job and thought that life was pretty wonderful.
Then I met Chris. Just when I’d decided that I couldn’t really be bothered with
men, didn’t need one financially, and that as far as a relationship was
concerned it just wasn’t worth the hassle. But Chris was amazing and that’s all
I have to say. We were married in 1998 and all seemed to be rosy beyond belief.
At the risk of sounding cynical, most would have thought that it couldn’t last.
And it didn’t. Oh, I’m still married to him, I might even still love him a bit
from time to time but I have been irreparably damaged and am only now, 3 and a
half years on, building a world for myself in which I can function, albeit at a
much slower pace and lacking the security and independence that had been so
important to me.
Before the abortion, I knew I would never be the same again
but no-one listened to me. Not one person asked me what I wanted and I was so
much in shock (and delight) at being pregnant again at 40 that I was horrified
when everyone automatically steered me towards the abortion clinic.
These are some of the things health professionals said to me: ”Your husband is
too old.”
(Get over it. Look at Tony Blair.)
”It’s only a bunch of
cells.”
(I mean, really, how stupid do these people think we are?)
”I’d
be worried about you carrying a baby at your age.”
(What utter bollocks.)
”You don’t need to go to counselling, you know what you want at your age.”
(No,
actually, I don’t.)
And, worst of all, “What do you want to do with
the contents of the womb?”
(The ‘contents’ of the womb!?)
This united
front combined with my husband’s anguish over the extra pressure it would put
on him (he had 4 other children) led me to, reluctantly, agree.
This is what then happened afterwards: I felt loss of control and depression
which culminated 18 months later in a breakdown that saw me bedridden for three
months and off work for six, by which time everyone had lost their patience
with me. (Funny how a broken leg or hip is pitied and tolerated but a broken
mind isn’t.)
During those months I was prescribed antidepressants that were to have a
devastating effect by themselves. I did not sleep for months as every time I
started to drift off the drugs would make me jerk awake. My doctor said to give
them time to “kick in”. I was desperate and started to drink myself to sleep. A
lethal combination, especially when combined with sleeping pills, a cocktail
which saw me admitted to hospital barely breathing and with barely a pulse.
I took myself off all medication and instantly learned how to sleep again. I
went to a wonderful counsellor and learned strategies to cope with my grief,
and my friends, Anne and Roy, were always a phone call, or less, away. When I
finally went back to work I realised that my ability to cope with stress had
been totally eroded. I suffered though the rest of the year at my “dream job”
and finally resigned relinquishing my independence and future security.
Despite this, I decided to accept life at a slower pace, to accept that I am
now somewhat disabled. I still work as a teacher but part-time and not
permanent. I worry about the future and, if Chris were to get fed up and leave
me, I’d be dependent partly on a sickness benefit. Back to square one.
What makes me so angry is that it was so easy to push me
through the system and for me to allow them to do that with so little
background information offered.
If this can happen so easily to me how many young girls are being bullied into
abortions and screwed up for life so that families can brush the whole matter
conveniently aside? How many of us are warned that abortion can have
devastating effects if it is not what the woman really wants to do? How many of
us can discuss our grief freely and have a focus for that grief? How many of us
are told just to pull ourselves together and get on with life?
How many of us, given the growing information on the terrible side-effects of
abortion in some women, would have stood up and said “No! I’m not doing it...”
and walked on with the consequences? I for one will not be stopping here. These
women need a voice. And they couldn’t take that away from me. Watch this space.
- Karen
TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL?
Considerations for
talking to children about a past abortion.
Despite abortion being
generally considered socially acceptable it is still often a deeply guarded
secret and for many surrounded by silence and shame. Even parents who feel
comfortable sharing their story with other adults may hesitate telling their
children afraid of how it might affect their relationship.
One mother said “I could never disappoint my children, by letting them know
that I went against everything I have taught them...” Others may worry their
children may end up hating them, or may not find it in their hearts to forgive
them. They could worry that their children might question whether of not they
are truly loved or can trust them as parents to not hurt them. Parents may
worry that rather than help their children to not get into the same situations
that it may give them permission to make the some judgement calls or decisions
if the same thing happens to them.
Interestingly, children often sense that there are pseudo-secrets within the
family - this may cause them to question their security, lead to a lack of
trust and difficulty communicating with their parents. Dr Philip Ney, a
psychiatrist who has done extensive work with abortion survivors and siblings
of aborted children, said “There are very few secrets within the family. The
facts seem to indicate that the loss that has affected you will be communicated
in one way or another, and children guess at what happened. You cannot not
communicate. You will show something has changed you, especially something as
disturbing as an abortion.”
Many parents wonder when the right time to tell children might be, and whether
or not they should tell them at all. The burden is on the parents to discern
how important and necessary it is to openly share about the abortion with their
children and to understand their own reasoning and motivation for doing so.
Parents need to be sure they are acting in the best interests of the children
rather than seeking to resolve issues in their own lives through the
disclosure.
Questions they might ask include:
How will this benefit my children? How will this affect their development now
and in the future? How will this contribute to or interfere with their own
emotional maturation? How will this contribute to or interfere with their
relationship with me and my role as a parent? What is the benefit in telling
them now rather than later when they are young adults or adults, and may be
better able to understand the issues and integrate the information into their
reality.
It is imperative that parents have worked through their own grief processes
first and be far enough along in their own healing to be able to cope with
their children’s emotional reactions. Some may seek to vicariously reconcile
with their aborted child through telling their other children but they need to
develop a relationship with their aborted child before they can consider
telling their living children about the abortion. If parents are not really
healed then telling children can amount to dumping their grief and guilt onto
them. Unresolved conflicts, unfinished mourning can mean they are ill-prepared
to deal with their children’s reactions in a healthy manner and may communicate
their own fears and unresolved issues to them.
Some reasons for telling children may be:
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If the abortion is publicly known or will become public e.g. if a parent is
speaking to others about what happened in a formal way
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If it becomes apparent that the children are aware there is something amiss or
have guessed that an abortion took place
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Where the effect of the abortion impacts adversely on the family e.g. severe
depression, substance abuse, divorce, violence in the home, and where sharing
what happened brings opportunity for healing of wounds.
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Where parents have relationship difficulties children may feel they are to
blame somehow for the emotional struggles of the parents. Sometimes sharing
about the abortion, if it is part of the problem, can help to clarify the
picture for them.
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Never telling or deathbed confessions can be problematic as they can leave
families with the aftermath and nowhere to turn to have questions answered
should they find out later.
Discussing past abortions with children needs to be age appropriate. Parents
need to answer children’s questions honestly and give as much information as
they seem able to handle or want to know. Parents need to monitor children’s
reactions and address issues as they arise; be aware young children may have a
tendency to broadcast such news or ask questions at inappropriate times so
parents might stress this is a family issue and not one to be discussed with
others outside the family. A shared family memorial may be appropriate.
Children need to know that parents will always love and accept them no matter
what, not only through words but through a willingness to listen and spend time
with them. They need to know they can come to their parents if they experience
a similar crisis. Outside help for children - a trusted counsellor or pastor or
family friend may be helpful.
Reactions of children may vary, depending on age, maturity, the circumstances,
state of their relationship with their parents. Some may feel relieved to know
as it might help explain certain things, others may be angry, confused and act
out, whilst others may be sad for or protective of the parents, and yet others
may openly mourn for their own loss through the abortion. Whatever the reaction
they will need support and time to work through their own processes. Parents
have to be prepared to allow their children to feel whatever they need to feel
and to work through it allowing the children to express themselves.
Adapted from “Talking With Your Children About Abortion”, Post Abortion Review,
Issue (12)1, Jan-Mar 2004.
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P.A.T.H.S.
Newsletter Excerpts - 2005
