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VOICES SILENCED!
Women who share their
stories with us have all suffered abortion-related grief: a depth of grief they
were not prepared for and which many still carry. But they go unheard.
Conventional wisdom has
it that abortion is mostly trouble-free, that it is really no big deal, an easy
fix. Abortion is promoted as a procedure without repercussions and attempts to discuss
it have become constrained. Emotional trauma after an abortion is treated with disdain
and often dismissed, and those who are troubled are made to feel invisible, isolated
and alienated.
The grief of women is documented in books such as “Giving Sorrow Words” by Melinda
Tankard-Reist (Duffy & Snellgrove 2000) and “Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain
of Abortion” by Theresa Burke (Acorn Books 2002) and is witnessed and shared with
post-abortion counsellors and pastors both here and overseas. It is not a new phenomenon.
However, attitudes towards women, and even more so men, overwhelmed by grief following
abortion demonstrate a cruel indifference to their pain. Their suffering is often
discounted and considered to be a figment of their imagination, and their feelings
of guilt and remorse merely a by-product of social or religious conditioning. They
are deemed to be oversensitive, psychologically unstable and victims of ill-founded
conditioning.
The politics surrounding abortion also help to drown out the voices of those harmed
by it. How free are women, or men, to share their anguish when abortion is so socially
accepted and extolled as “an act of individual self-determination” “empowering”
“a right for women” “ a rite of passage for women” “a positive moral and social
good” “a source of transcendence and growth”? Those adversely affected, and those
who speak out are viewed as an embarrassment, and are accused of being melodramatic
and letting the side down.
Post-abortive women’s suffering is generally not attributed to the nature of the
procedure itself or the circumstances that surround them pressuring them into a
decision to terminate a pregnancy and end the life of their unborn. Rather for those
who are adversely affected it is communicated to them that they are only upset because
they choose to get upset. For example, it is implied that if they chose to regard
the foetus as a bunch of cells and not a little human being with a beating heart
and a bond with their mother they would not have a problem. So often they are encouraged
to continue to rationalise their decision and deny their true heart in the experience.
Because the majority appear unaffected, those who find themselves haunted, tortured
or grieving after their abortion experience, are told or given the message to get
over it, it was for the best and to carry on with life as if nothing were amiss.
Women whose lives are shattered by an abortion find their experience is trivialised,
even often by those in professional health and caring roles. Grief for an aborted
baby is forbidden grief; it remains taboo.
In reality a woman never forgets a pregnancy, her baby and what might have been
- she has nothing to mark that there was a baby and now there is no baby. When the
baby is lost there are no memories or visible reminders of the baby but there is
often a “feeling of emptiness and nothingness”, an uneasy and anxious void. She
bears alone the mantle of silent maternal suffering. She needs to know hope and
to know she is not alone in her grief. She needs to face what happened through the
abortion, to return to herself and to restore her relationship with her aborted
little one. She needs to find peace.
Reaching out for
help - hard but good.
Making the first step
to speak to someone was not an easy one as it meant to me that I was no longer in
control of myself as I needed to seek help. Despite this I knew what needed to be
done.
My GP gave me the contact details for The Family Life Pregnancy Centre where I met
Carolina (a counsellor from P.A.T.H.S.), and I am so glad that she did.
Carolina taught me that it’s ok to feel the way that I did, she helped me to look
back at the last 5 years and to see my life as on outsider would. She helped me
to put everything into perspective and to create a sense of ownership in that the
story that I had just told was in fact my story and it is what has helped to make
me the person that I am. She helped me to grieve which was something that I had
never done and most importantly she encouraged me to acknowledge my babies (for
I had aborted twins), to allow thoughts of them through and to think of them as
part of me and not something to hide away from myself and others.
ANNUAL REPORT HIGHLIGHTS
2006-2007
The past year has been
filled with new growth and challenges. For those who avail themselves of help the
feedback is positive.... Our aim has been and remains, to provide empathetic and
non-judgemental counselling-support and help for anyone experiencing negative reactions
from an abortion. The stories of those affected by abortion need to be heard, both
for their own healing but also to help others know that they are not alone.
The work has been steady but there has been an awareness of the need to develop
certain areas more, namely the raising of the profile of P.A.T.H.S., as many people
are still unaware of our existence and so client referrals have been fewer than
expected. New initiatives, such as a group programme and support group, have yet
to be actioned but there has been some expressions of interest.
There has been a growing sense that our outreach needs to target men as well as
women, as this year we have been approached by some men too who have either been
directly affected, are supporting someone who had a past abortion.
There is more interest in the service, especially with regards to people wanting
post-abortion information, than ever before. A huge strength for us has been the
website which continues to be well utilized and is a great resource to refer people
to, as shown by feedback from people who have accessed it for information for themselves,
others they know who have had abortions, for high-school and tertiary projects or
research.
We are constantly faced with limited resources both in terms of finances and people
power. However, with some successful funding applications and some regular donations,
and the many volunteer hours from the Trust and Team members and others with particular
skills who are willing to offer time and expertise for specific projects, we have
a continuing strong sense of purpose and progress.
HIGHLIGHTS for the year included
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May:
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Workshop at NZ Christian
Counsellors Association Conference Auckland
P.A.T.H.S. Post Abortion Seminar Family Life Pregnancy Centre Christchurch
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June:
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Talk about the work of
P.A.T.H.S. to counselling students Vision College Christchurch
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August:
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P.A.T.H.S. Post Abortion
Seminar hosted by Pregnancy Counselling Services in Wellington
Plains FM Radio Broadcast
Newsletter
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September:
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P.A.T.H.S. Post Abortion
Seminar Christchurch
P.A.T.H.S. Annual General Meeting
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October:
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Information table at Midwifery
Conference in Christchurch
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November:
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Meeting with people from
Operation Outcry who were touring Australia and New Zealand
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December:
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Article on Post Abortion
Loss in the NZ Association of Counsellors Newsletter
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February:
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Newsletter
Plains FM Radio Broadcast
Remembrance Service at Linwood Baptist Church Christchurch
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March:
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Networking at the Pregnancy
Counselling Services Conference in Wellington
Work commenced on revamping of pamphlets and promotional material for P.A.T.H.S.
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EMAILS
Email support continues to become an increasingly vital part of our service. In
the year ending March 2007 we had a total of 46 people email in for help, and responded
with 94 emails. The largest group were those wanting information about P.A.T.H.S.
and what services we offer. Next are those wanting books and resources followed
closely by those seeking counselling support, and now we are starting to request
supervisory assistance via email. The counselling-support and supervisory assistance
is the most time-consuming requiring up to an hour or so each to compile responses.
Though time consuming email counselling and supervision support are both cost-effective
and of significant assistance to those choose to seek help this way.
COUNSELLING
The numbers of face-to-face clients (8) was slightly down to that of previous years
and there have been fewer counselling hours this year. We attribute this to the
fact that most had recent abortion experiences and trends show these clients will
often seek help, receive some support through the phone contact but do not always
engage in counselling. For most the desire is to stabilize themselves sufficiently
to get on with their lives. Also we see the lack of advertising as contributing
to the low client numbers. We would anticipate an increase in client numbers once
our marketing plan is realized. We also help post abortive women and men indirectly
by training pastoral and health care professionals who meet and work with them in
their sphere. The first weeks of the new year already show an increase in counselling
sessions.
SUPERVISION
In addition to 6-weekly, 2 hours sessions of in-house supervision for counsellors,
Carolina has provided supervision to 3 people on line (7 sessions @ 1 hour preparation),
telephone supervision has been given to 2 people outside the agency (2 hours), and
6 one hour sessions face-to-face for another local agency. A total of 27 hours supervision
has been provided this year voluntarily.
WEBSITE
The website is being well received both near and far. The number of page views remains
steady at around 2000 per month. There have been a number of requests to download
information from counsellors for their clients, for people doing study, research
and discussion groups.
The website is updated at least twice a year to coincide with our newsletter publications,
and as needed. In the coming year it will be updated more often as the newsletter
will be prepared and distributed three times a year.
Abortion and the Christian
Abortion is not selective
- those from any walk of life and culture, rich or poor, Christian or other religious
faith may opt for abortion. What can it mean for a person with a Christian belief
?
Christian belief brings
a perspective to abortion and the abortion experience for those who hold the beliefs
that may differ from that of those who do not adher to such beliefs or come from
alternative religious or other belief systems. What are some specific beliefs and
influences that impact the post-abortive woman who is Christian? It is worth noting
that for some women beliefs at the time of the pregnancy-abortion decision and the
abortion may later alter, for example, where someone reaffirms their Christian beliefs
or converts to Christianity years afterwards. The new perspectives can shift and
initiate or impact different responses now to what they were then, to material around
the abortion experience that may surface.
Scripture expresses how life comes from God, and is sacred and special from its
smallest beginnings “It is you who created my inmost self and put me together in
my mother’s womb” (.Ps 139:13) and offers the commandment “Thou shalt not kill”
(Ex 20:13, Rm 13:9).
What happens then for a woman who holds such beliefs and opts for abortion as the
solution to the problem of an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy? What conflicts and
turmoil of mind, and heart or soul naturally ensues?
What needs to happen to allow
her to go ahead with something that is in conflict with her real heart and core
beliefs? How does a person reconcile the assent to and action of abortion with a
personal moral code that is in opposition to the underlying philosophy or current
social attitudes around abortion?
Sometimes women speak of that feeling of having “no other choice”. If in crisis,
she may not be thinking clearly, or necessarily able to sift through and work through
all the issues and feelings, to come to an informed and considered decision and
to make a choice that is consistent with their highest ideals and best aspirations.
She may be subtly or overtly co-erced in a way that she may feel pressured, confused
and powerless, and so allows herself to be swept along by what appears ‘reasonable’
or what most favours her situation and that of significant others at that time.
The need is generally to resolve things as quickly and effectively as possible and
get things “back to normal”. Often deeper values or beliefs are overshadowed by
the immediate need to “sort the problem”.
When the focus is on the pregnancy as the “problem” and the aim is to find as quick
and effective a solution that takes care of the problem, then personal religious
beliefs or moral code can become suppressed or ignored. Key considerations such
as the life of the baby, the possible risks or complications, and psycho-spiritual
impacts, the long term consequences within her and in her life may receive little
attention in the life-changing pregnancy-abortion decision. Rationalisation works
to sort things out by a logical process, weighing up pros and cons with regards
to practicalities and what seems like a good solution (i.e. that which will restore
stability), without necessarily delving into the deeper issues and concerns that
may later become important.
The relationship with the partner or spouse may be considered most important, whereas
the mother-child bond and relationship may be unacknowledged or unsupported. This
is often facilitated by distancing terminology that talks of the ‘procedure’ and
‘products of conception’ or ‘blob of tissue’. Such distancing techniques supports
the maternal disconnection between head and heart-soul through the decision-making
process – disconnection with self, disconnection with the life growing inside. Sometimes
it is in her healing journey or in the course of her life, that a reconnection between
head and heart-soul occurs, and then the abortion is seen in a very different light
– grief surfaces, and the deeper issues and conflicts then need to be faced and
worked through. This is often something she cannot do alone . Sadly for many Christians
with a past abortion they feel unable to find the understanding and support they
need in their churches for fear of condemnation, whether that is so or misperceived
by them to be so. They often feel unworthy to be in or go to church and alienate
themselves.
When the reality of what occurred in the abortion and what it has meant surfaces
there is often an unanticipated reaction A woman may then either choose to numb
out the unpleasant feelings that accompany the realisations that occur, or utilise
denial or some means of escaping confronting the painful truth. For her guilt and
shame may be such that she feels a deep despair - a nightime of the soul some might
say - where she feels alienated from her God, empty inside, fearful, alone with
her pain and with an anguish that can seem unbearable. Her fear of judgement and
punishment from people, even Christian friends but also especially from God, may
be huge. She may be tormented by her self-judgement and condemnation. She may say
things like “I killed my baby” “I feel like a murderer” “I can never forgive myself.”
“I should be punished” “I don’t deserve anything good” “I don’t want to live.”
The interesting thing is that she may use her Christian beliefs to judge herself
and punish herself, but fail, until helped, to allow her faith to draw her into
the deep healing she desires and is available to her. God is a God of compassion
and mercy, and God’s grace and love can restore a person’s mind, heart and soul
in ways that may not be fully understood by her. To allow herself to receive God’s
unconditional love, and forgiveness, will heal her from the inside out – from the
trauma and grief, guilt and shame. It will change her life - not back to ‘normal’,
whatever normal was supposed to be, but she will find new hope and discover a new
life and fullness of life. This is the promise of Scripture and for those who are
Christian it is a powerful and wonderful promise. How do I know this? Because I
have seen both Christian and non-Christian open up to God’s grace and find peace.
Operation Outcry -
Courageous Women Speak Out
by Carolina
Gnad
"The nightmares continued, the depression became deeper.
I found myself detached from everyone and everything.
I prayed for another chance, another baby."
Theresa and myself from
P.A.T.H.S., joined a small group of other interested persons at the Spreydon Baptist
Church in Christchurch on the night of ‘Christmas in the Park’, to meet Karen Bodle
from Pennsylvania and Kay Painter from Idaho. These two women shared their personal
abortion stories and talked about Operation Outcry and its work in the USA. Karen
and Kay had been travelling around Australia and New Zealand and meeting with groups
of people to raise awareness of the tragedy of abortion. “I do not want any woman
to go through the intense pain and suffering that I experienced. I must speak out
and tell my story to encourage other women suffering in silence to seek emotional
healing and forgiveness” said Karen, who is the International Director for Operation
Outcry, a movement of women hurt by abortion who are speaking out about the pain
and consequences they have endured. She also serves as the Pensylvania State Leader.
Her heart’s cry is to see abortion become a socially unacceptable choice in the
United States and around the world.
Regardless of one’s point of view around the politics of abortion, there is something
moving and disturbing in listening and hearing the true reality of women’s experiences
around, through and following abortion. The more stories I hear from women around
the world, the more I have come to appreciate that such experiences are not isolated
incidences. The growing sense is that there are inescapable consequences of abortion
as a pregnancy choice, yet many women are destined to suffer in silence in a society
that does not acknowledge, give voice to, understand or adequately support those
hurting or harmed by abortion.
Many women continue with their lives unaware of how deeply abortion has changed
them and impacted their lives until or unless at some point the grief and hurt surfaces
and they revisit their experience and what it has meant. Then there is often additional
hurt and anger, possibly a sense of injustice and betrayal... and other powerful
emotional responses to deal with, as well as needing to journey through the grief
which had been buried for sometimes a significant time.
“Lucky for you, nowadays you have a choice!”
Fateful words that changed Kay
Painter’s life irrevocably.
The words came from a nurse standing as an observer
in the examination room... I had just discovered I was pregnant at age 39. My two
girls were almost grown, and I had a new growing business that demanded my time
and offered recognition and prestige. What would I do with a baby? So I latched
onto her words and after discussing it (convincing) my husband made the appointment.
I bought the “easy” way out. My counselling was “Does your husband know?” and “Have
you signed the release. Step into a gown: you’ll find it down the hall.”
I am thankful I have no memory of the abortion, but from the instant I heard my
baby’s helpless body hit the garbage can I KNEW! I had just killed my own flesh
and blood, an innocent life. I was panic-stricken, the nurse told me to “calm down
- in a few days all will be back to normal.”
No-one forwarned me of the possible repercussions of an abortion. It was a simple
procedure of removing “tissue” - so why the pain, the sudden emptiness? I awoke
night after night to the sound of screams - they were mine! ... I wanted to speak
with my pastor but what would he think of me? Here I was sitting weekly in the choir;
and yet I had killed my baby. I considered talking to my best friend, but she was
Christian. Would she be repelled and turn away? And to those I knew who weren’t
Christian, they’d most likely tell me to get over it! It’s done all the time. It
seemed there was not a soul to share with - I held it all in.
The nightmares continued, the depression became deeper. I found myself detached
from everyone and everything. I prayed for another chance, another baby. Within
the next year God gave us a beautiful healthy baby boy. I was sure the guilt was
behind me.... The screams stopped but the nightmare of my “choice” was far from
over. I would leave the room when abortion was discussed, terrified that people
would see it on my face. I found the church community was too ‘goody-goody’ for
me so I quit. Church was for people who were good.
The abortion followed me through the next 16 years bringing isolation, bad choices,
a horribly ugly divorce, unspeakable shame, terrible loneliness and a depression
so deep that I denied its existence.
Finally when my replacement baby was 16, God in his mercy, brought me to my knees.
As my guilt began to surface while at work one day, I pleaded sick and went home.
There were no words to express the deep dark hole I found myself in, no phrase to
describe the depth of my despair. God placed it on my heart to drive directly to
my doctor’s office, where I was rushed into a private exam room. There I took my
first step of healing by “telling”. He set me up with a high dosage of Prozac and
a Christian counsellor who began seeing me immediately and almost daily for the
next three and a half months.
It took every ounce of strength I could muster to tell my ugly secret to my new
pastor. Daily, I revisited the pain of my “lucky choice” and the “quick fix” I had
chosen years before. It was during this time that I discovered God’s overwhelming
grace and mercy to even me... Mountains of guilt were removed and tons of shame
taken away. I was no longer alone. It was then I promised to help other women in
their struggle and that I would be silent no more.
Kay is now serving as the Operation Outcry liaison to Australia and New Zealand.
In the USA they have collected over 2000 signed affidavits from women about the
impacts and consequences of their abortions. Part of the purpose and drive there
is to create enough concern to outlaw the Partial Birth Abortion which is currently
available in many states.
Like drops in a bucket, it could be hoped that these stories, and others like them,
will help create a tidal wave in the wake of abortion that people and our society
as a whole cannot ignore, so that abortion’s grief is no longer disenfranchised
and its aftermath is no longer hidden. And with this may come better informed consent
to avert such tragedy, suffering and adversity.
GRANDMOTHERS
Reading a recent
article on Grandmothers in “Broken Branches” by Anne Lastman, Victims of Abortion, Australia,
prompted me to think and reflect more deeply around grandmothers and abortion.
As a grandmother myself, I was moved and could appreciate much of what was shared
and am aware of the numbers of grandmothers who call our line either
during the decision-making time, soon after or later after the event.
Mother-daughter relationships
are really important. A woman’s self identity has to some extent been born of that
relationship and it remains a significant relationship in a woman’s life no matter
what her age or situation.
The mother-daughter relationship can impact greatly the
outcome of a decision. Scenarios are many and varied. A mother may
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actively / forcefully co-erce her daughter to abort
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encourage her to abort for “good reasons”
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discourage her or actively try to dissuade her because of the her own beliefs
or in the “best interests” of the daughter
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be ambivalent and sit on the fence
not offering a view or support one way or the other
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leave the decision to her
daughter not wanting to interfere or influence her
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not know her daughter is pregnant and only find out later.
A daughter’s pregnancy decision can affect or fracture
that relationship depending on the situation, history, personalities, dreams and
values of the people involved. Whilst it is easy to think a woman can make a pregnancy
decision independently and autonomously I wonder if that is the case. In recognising
the context of abortion and understanding the web of influence there is no getting
away from the overt and subtle reality of messages and pressures that influence
her decsion. A mother, by very nature of being mother is an influence, whether an
active influence or passive influence. The existence and nature of that unique relationship
makes it so.
The mother’s involvement or lack of involvement can also impact how
the daughter copes with her decision at the time and afterwards.
For example:
If
a mother encourages or supports the daughter with an abortion, the daughter may
interpret that as love and support, or may do so at the time but later may feel
resentment and anger if her own view of things and feelings about what happened
has changed, as can happen as she grows or becomes a mother herself.
If a mother
forces her daughter towards an abortion then the daughter may remember the role
her mother played in orchestrating the death of her baby - and there can arise a
deep wound and ache, which if unaddressed can disturb her and the relationship.
It can also bring into question for her the role and rights of motherhood in and
for herself and lead to confusion and fear, or alternatively judgement and determination
to be and do things differently.
If a mother has offered all manner of help and
support to her daughtert to enable her to keep her baby and afford her the gift
of being able to be a grandmother to the child, but the daughter chooses to have
an abortion, how might the grandmother feel? To have tasted the idea of “grandmotherhood”
and then to be denied it.
For some grandmothers there may be no apparent repurcussions.
But for some issues may surface later around her part in the abortion of a grandchild
or her inability to intervene. If her daughter also later becomes distressed or
issues arise for her relating to the abortion, for her as the mother then that can
be upsetting, triggering guilt, hurt, self-blame, resentment, anger, and more grief.
As a grandmother she may also mourn or come to mourn the loss of her grandchild.
When that happens what can she do about it, where does she go, who can she talk
to?
Grandmothers’ stories need to be heard too. Their pain is around issues of loss
and changed relationships with both daughter and grandchild. When sharing around
the abortion experience they may discover hidden hurts and issues that were important
then and may be or may be different now.
After the initial grief I went through
a stage of feeling a lot of guilt about not having prevented the abortion. I felt
I’d let an innocent one, my grandchild, die and my daughter do something which has
the potential to become extrememly destructive to herself. I felt I’d failed the
both of them in the extreme. For a while I had feelings of hating myself. I felt
that although there was no certainty that if I’d tried harder things would have
ended differently. I should have tried harder and then at least been able to look
back knowing I had done my best. Now I realise I cannot undo what has been done,
and can only hope some good will come from this.
(Sarah - “Broken Branches” Issue 61 Dec/Jan 2008)
N.B. Although this article talks about grandmothers I want to also
affirm grandfathers in their roles and experiences. There is no discounting or minimising
the impact of abortion on fathers in relation to their daughters and grandfathers
to their grandchildren.
Carolina Gnad
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P.A.T.H.S.
Newsletter Excerpts - 2007
